


The Sure, the Straight, the Brave

by Niki



Series: Takeo Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU Ending for ME3, Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Backstory, Earthborn Commander Shepard, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Post-Canon, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-20 00:53:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 43,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takeo Shepard, before, during, and after.</p><p>This is the story of the Shepard in my "Drinking Games" series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Non explicit mentions of child prostitution and minor (canonical) character deaths, drinking and one night stands, canon typical violence
> 
> I wrote "Drinking Games" so that you can read it picturing the default Shepard on purpose but he is based on my custom Shepard, and here is his full story; yes, this was my NaNo project. I'm trying to post it as a yule calendar: one part every day:) We'll see... It needs quite a lot of work, still, even though it is technically finished. It's not really a continuous story as such and each part should work on it's own, but I decided to post it in this form instead of as a series.

XXXII  
When I would muse in boyhood  
The wild green woods among,  
And nurse resolves and fancies  
Because the world was young,  
It was not foes to conquer,  
Nor sweethearts to be kind,  
But it was friends to die for  
That I would seek and find.

I sought them and I found them,  
The sure, the straight, the brave,  
The hearts I lost my own to,  
The souls I could not save.  
They braced their belts around them,  
They crossed in ships the sea,  
They sought and found six feet of ground,  
And there they died for me.

A. E. Housman

He has been Shepard for as long as he can remember; first “Shepard's kid”, then “that Shepard kid” and in the end just “Shepard.”

He used to whisper his given name to himself in the night, afraid he would forget, afraid he would lose the only thing his mother left him with: her name, and his. 

Years later when he learned to read and checked his name in the Extranet he finally realised why his mother called him her “little warrior,” born against all odds. He also learned why she was so worried he'd manifest any odd skills. 

He was actually sorry he couldn't lift stuff with his mind. That would have been almost like being a Jedi.

After she died no one knew his name, not until he found Tricia, years later. She is the only person besides his mother who ever used it, and even she only in private. 

In the fleet you are your surname and your rank. He never made friends close enough to exchange first names. After a while, he got so used to being Shepard he feels no emotional connection to his given name – it is just an heirloom, not a name. Something he carries with pride, like he would an amulet, a signet ring, but it has nothing to do with who he is.

He is Commander Shepard to the Galaxy and Shepard to his friends and lovers. “Takeo” is just a life he never had.


	2. Chapter 2

Hannah Shepard grew up dreaming of the stars. Her parents were Alliance so she always knew one day she, too, would serve, and just waited to be old enough to join. 

The universe had other plans. The day before her 18th birthday she found out she was pregnant. 

It was a shock, to say the least, but she planned accordingly. Her relationship with the father was new but solid. They could do this. She would have her child, then join. She would serve, no matter what. 

Hiraku wanted them to move to a colony, not thinking that the polluted, huge cities on Earth were a place to raise a child. They decided on Mindoir, and he even had a job lined up there. 

Again the universe messed up her plans. There was an accident, and she and the child she was carrying were exposed to element zero dust. It was only three years since the accident in Singapore and everyone remembered the horror of those babies born with cancerous growths and a third of them were dead already.

Hiraku wanted to terminate the pregnancy, not wanting to “get attached” in case it didn't turn out well. Hannah told him she was already attached, and two out of three was a chance she was willing to take. 

They fought and argued until there was nothing left. He boarded the transport alone.

Her parents were dead, her best friend was in Alliance basic training, having joined on her birthday a week before hers, and now Hiraku was gone.

She realised she didn't have anyone but her child.

She used up her savings seeing different doctors, and getting all the treatments they suggested for making sure her baby would be healthy when born. In-utero gene therapy could be expensive, especially for such speculative use. 

She did everything she could because she had already given so much for the child she would be damned if he was born damaged. 

She named him Takeo, a nod to his father's Japanese heritage, meaning, among other things, 'a warrior'. He was a survivor, beating the odds and arriving to the world perfect and healthy, a bit more perfect and healthy than he would have if Hannah had stuck to the legal channels. Gene therapy for enhancing humans was restricted, and many of the enhancements Takeo carried from birth were restricted to Alliance soldiers. 

She wanted to give her son every weapon to aid his survival. 

On their third day in the hospital someone tried to kidnap the child, and Hannah ran. With nowhere to go, no one to turn to, she ended up in the streets. The pursuers didn't give up easy, and in the whispered rumours in the shadowed alleys she learned that hers was not the only child that survived the exposure to the eezo dust, and that many of those other children had disappeared. 

So she disappeared, too, into the anonymity of the street gangs, in the vastness of the slums, fighting to keep her son safe.

Five years later she died, still fighting, in a street fight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: If you've read "Drinking Games", you know what's coming. Shepard's life in the streets. Not pretty.

Shepard's first concrete memory is the failure to protect his mother. 

Before that there is only cold and hunger, fear and darkness. Her death, seeing the blood on the street beneath her, feeling the warmth leaving her body, is the only picture of his mother he carries in his mind.

He is left alone in the streets, with only his name and hers as heritage. But he does what he has done since before he was born – he survives. 

He does what ever he needs to; he hides, he runs, he fights, he steals. Survival is an instinct even though he couldn't tell you what he is fighting _for_.

He squats with other kids in the streets but there is never anything formal, not even a gang, just a shared floor, maybe another body to share warmth, occasionally shared food. 

He doesn't remember the first time he sucked cock to pay for a meal. He remembers getting clean and stealing new clothes to try it out in one of the brothels that cater to people who are into younger meat. He doesn't go back until years later, when it is the only way to save the life of someone he loves.

He doesn't recognise it as love, at the time, having nothing to compare it to, no memory of ever feeling it before. 

He meets Tricia, and the instinct for survival expands to include her. Is it because she is blonde, like his mother? Is that why seeing her bloody and crying in an alley makes him want to protect her?

She figures he is about ten, and gives him a birthday, the day before hers. 

Going with that, he killed his first man at nine. 

He had been squatting with the same group of girls for a week or so, when a drunken man had stumbled in, and tried to force himself on one of the older girls. They attacked him as one – safety in numbers their only defence. 

Shepard had the knife. He cut the man's throat open.

They divided the contents of his wallet evenly and never came back to the abandoned house – or each other. 

That money bought him his first warm meal in weeks, and meant he didn't need to go looking for customers for days. 

Tricia teaches him to read and write, he teaches her how to survive in the streets. She is 13, from a good family who couldn't deal with the fact she is a freak. It takes a few years for Shepard to learn another word for it: biotic. Not a freak. He hurts anyone who calls her that.

They stay together like siblings, looking after each other, and making as good a living as they can. She never needs to sell her body, Shepard sees to that. He hates it, hates doing it, hates the men buying his services, and he doesn't want any of that to touch her.

He steals them a pad and an omnitool, and she teaches him to hack. They use it to get them books to read. 

The books teach Shepard more about the world outside the streets of their crowded city, and he starts dreaming for the first time. Maybe there is more to life than survival. 

They read everything they can find, fact and fiction, and she shares what ever she had time to learn at school. Shepard devours everything from Shakespeare to two bit biographies of soldiers, plenty of those cropping up every day as the humanity learns more and more about the wide crowded universe. He wants to see all those other worlds.

Maybe he, too, could travel to the stars. 

The Alliance sounds like the perfect ticket away from the squalor of their existence. Tricia makes him a promise: the day he joins, she will go back to her middle-class family and make something out of her life, too.

He believes her, because he wants her to have that life.

When he is 15, Tricia falls ill. It is serious, and Shepard knows he has to somehow earn enough money to get her to a doctor. There is only one thing he knows he can do well enough, only one place he knows he can go to, to get that kind of money that fast. 

He looks younger than his years, and for this that will only be a benefit. He asks another girl to stay with Tricia, even though he knows that means he'll have to earn enough to cover for her missed night's work as well. 

After the first john he knows he'll need medical attention too, so he takes another. And another. The third doesn't want to pay, thinking him just a scrawny kid. The man leaves with his life, and Shepard leaves with his wallet. He is not the first one who tries to take without paying, and even if this time Shepard walked into the situation of his own will, it doesn't mean he won't fight with every dirty trick he has learnt to compensate for his size.

The credits get Tricia into a hospital, and, the doctor tells him, none too soon. His own injuries heal fast enough, and he tries to hide them from Tricia.

She knows anyway, and makes him promise to never sell his body again. They join a gang, for protection, for security. After his first fight the leaders see his potential, and the enforcers start teaching him everything they know. Some are ex-Alliance, some mere street thugs, and Shepard soaks in all he can. 

He bulks up, catching up to his age, and learns to handle any weapon they can provide. He likes being a mercenary more than a whore, even if it means killing or beating up people for reasons he doesn't know. He doesn't care to know. 

All he cares about is keeping Tricia safe.

Everyone can see they aren't siblings, not by blood – he with his Asian-mix features, she with her fragile blonde looks – but it is equally obvious they are family, not lovers. There is never anything sexual between them, and he never questions it, because it has always been so. 

Later, when he knows the words, he realises he loved her like a sister, like a mother, like a twin, like a first friend he ever had, and he knows he had been as important to her. 

He never sees her after he leaves Earth for basic training. 

They don't tell the Reds what they are planning – Shepard is too valuable for them, even at 17. 

The day he turns 18 – well, the day Tricia gave him, anyway – he marches into the recruitment office with the best faked ID he can get his hands on. The officer in charge is the john who tried to fleece him two years earlier, and by the fear on his face remembers him very well. 

Shepard doesn't know if he would have gotten in otherwise. 

He reports the man, anyway. Not only is he a paedophile (or a pederast), but a jerk, too. 

When he goes to bed the first night off-planet he finds a last message from Tricia. She has written a message on his thigh with a black marker. 

_Give 'em Hell! xxx Tricia_

He is careful not to wash it off until he gets a chance to see a tattoo artist who can make sure the message will never be erased. 

Later, after he grows up, he considers looking for her but he doesn't even know her real name, or the city she came from. He also fears she hadn't really had a home to return to, and had only told him what he needed to hear to not hold him back. 

Shepard's background means trouble in the organised environment, as he has never had to bow to anyone's authority before; even in the gang it was all informal, and the stronger he got the less he had to listen. He is smart enough to suck it up and keep his mouth shut, though. The way he grew up is also an advantage, as he learnt to fight for his life so young. His melee skills may be unorthodox and unsportsmanlike, but like their trainer keeps telling them, they aren't training to score points but to survive. 

Shepard has always been good at survival. 

He also never hesitates working with the biotic members of the group. Tricia hadn't ever had a chance to tap into hers, and seeing these kids using their skills to their full potential... it makes him ache for her, and he never fears them. They are not freaks, and he will hurt anyone for calling them that. 

He really, really enjoys the chance of learning to use new weaponry, much better than what he has ever been able to lay his hands on. He falls in love with sniper rifles – there hadn't been much need for one in the urban challenges of a minor gang. 

His versatility gains him lots of kudos, and as he is not used to following anyone he finds himself taking a leadership role in training more and more often. If something is to be done right, he feels like he has to do it himself. That's the only way he can make sure he can protect everyone he is responsible for. 

Maybe there are more things he took with him from his childhood, after all – his name, his deep reliance on himself for survival, and the all-conquering need to keep the people around him safe. 

\- - -

The Shepard who emerges from basic training bears little resemblance to the Shepard who lived in the streets. He is not the kid who wanted to hide and be forgotten, he is someone who does everything to get the job done, someone who isn't afraid to take charge. 

He has no friends, he forms no close relationships with any of his fellow trainees or teachers. He realises later it is because he didn't know how. He felt like an alien among the others, with nothing in common with them, even if he wasn't the only one with a rough background. 

He doesn't need to form close bonds with the people he is serving with to be able to work with them or to want to keep them safe. He doesn't need to make friends. He doesn't need to feel like he belongs.

You don't miss what you've never had.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Akuze

Shepard has just made Lieutenant, and is stationed with his team on a random colony. His service record is solid, but he doesn't feel like he has done anything exceptional. Sure, he can shoot almost anything the Alliance gives him, and isn't squeamish about shooting at things or creatures or people. He doesn't mind hard work – he expects it – and isn't averse to stepping up to take lead if the occasion calls for it.

He has also used his service years to developed a new persona for dealing with being in close contact with people all the time. He can talk with people, he can laugh and joke, he will go out with his fellow marines during shore leaves, but when the evening is over, no one actually knows anything more about him or his past. 

He likes listening to people, which helps. He finds it fascinating to hear about their lives, their past, their dreams. They sound like vids to him, something so far removed from his experience it's like learning about alien species. It makes him well liked, and makes people forget they don't know a thing about him.

One evening he and a few others are celebrating someone's birthday in a bar in the colony proper, and their party attracts lots of attention from the locals, as usual. There's nothing quite as compelling as an off-duty soldier... at least until they drink too much.

Shepard never drinks too much. He hates the feeling of losing control, of not quite being himself. It could be fatal in the streets, and it's one of the instincts he hasn't gotten rid of, not even when surrounded by all these people he trusts to protect him in the field. He drinks, a pint or two, and laughs and has a good time, regardless, and if someone notices him drinking the same pint for hours, they don't mention it.

Again there are a lot of locals mixing with their party, their joy in the brief freedom infectious, and Shepard finds himself talking with a pretty brunette, a martial arts instructor and a volunteer working with local troubled teens. She is passionate about her work, and Shepard enjoys talking with her, enjoys looking at her, and time seems to fly.

She asks him to walk her home, and he says yes.

She kisses him by her door, and he kisses her back, instinctively. It's not like he hasn't kissed before, some clients wanted that, but this... this is different. It's nice. He pulls her closer, and opens his mouth to her teasing tongue, and meets it with his own. He's concentrating too much on the technical side to enjoy it fully, but still... it's nice. 

Nice is a new thing for him. Doing this, just for fun, is a new thing for him. He thinks he might grow to like it. Maybe not with her, though, because despite their closeness, he feels no need to take it further. Maybe he's just nervous. 

She pulls back, smiling, and asks him to come in. He swallows, thinking of a polite way to decline and not just blurt out that he has to go like a nervous virgin.

“Too fast?” she asks when he hesitates. There's no censure in her voice, so he gives her a lopsided smile and nods.

“I like you,” he says. “I don't want to just... I don't know. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned.”

“You're sweet,” she says, smiling wider. “Will I see you again?”

“I'd like that.”

Two days later his team is called to join in on an investigation of a nearby colony on Akuze.

\- - -

The detachment finds the settlement intact, but there is no one in sight. They deploy patrols to nearby areas but find no clues, no trace of any living being. 

They set up camp for the night.

Shepard is the most junior officer in the camp so he doesn't voice his doubts. The others are bound to have their own bad feelings about it, and anyway, what else can they do but wait for more daylight to investigate further? 

He's eating his rations when the most senior officer, an older woman, walks up to him.

“Lieutenant Shepard?” 

Shepard gets up to salute.

“Ma'am.”

“Would you happen to be Hannah Shepard's son?” she asks, and he nearly drops his spork.

“Yes, ma'am,” he gets out.

“Laura Kent,” she says, and offers him a handshake. “We grew up with your mother but lost touch after I joined. How is she?”

“She died when I was five, ma'am.”

“Oh, I'm sorry. And your father?”

“Never met him, ma'am,” he admits, feeling like a parrot.

“What? What happened?”

“I don't know, ma'am. I don't remember much about... before she died.”

“And no one ever told you what happened to him?”

“I don't even know who he is, ma'am. I didn't... there wasn't anyone around who could tell me anything.”

“Holy hell, son! Okay, quick version: Your father was called Hiraku... Hiraku... Yukimura! That's it, Yukimura Hiraku. Your mother meant to enlist with me when we turned 18 within a week from each other, but then she found out about the pregnancy, and decided to postpone it to have you. She was thrilled, never doubt that. And your dad seemed to be, too. The last I heard, he was trying to talk her into moving to some colony or another.”

Shepard stares at her like she is an apparition. That is more than he has ever known about his family. 

“What was she like?” he asks, quietly. 

She smiles fondly, but just as she opens her mouth to start her explanation there is a scream, and stray shots are fired in the perimeter, where the advance guard is.

“Tell you later, Lieutenant,” she shouts, running towards the continuing screams. 

That is the last time he sees her alive.

That is the last time he sees any of the marines in the camp alive.

\- - -

It is chaos, screams and shots filling the air already heavy with fear as the creatures disappear and appear from underground, spitting acidic poison that melts through armour. There is no order when the highly trained marines run and shoot without any plan or discipline.

Their weapons don't seem to even pierce the thick armoured skin on the monsters. Shepard abandons his assault rifle and runs for cover, then drops on one knee and aims his Avenger. He has time to get two shots off before one of the beasts turns and spits into his direction. He ducks down out of instinct, even though he figures he's beyond its range.

The instinct saves his life. Their range is unbelievable. He screams when the acid eats through his armour, the side of his face, and he only received splatters behind the crates. 

He passes out.

When he comes to, the place is quiet. His face is on fire, and he reaches for his emergency medigel, slapping some on his face without looking, and almost instantly the pain numbs down. His side gets the same treatment, and only then does he get up. 

There are a lot less bodies than there should be. The idea of them being dragged away to be eaten by those creatures makes him want to throw up but he forces himself to move, to look for survivors. Most of the bodies are melted by the the acid, their armours bypassed like so much wet tissue. It seems unthinkable that someone might live through it.

Mallory, with whom he joked about their tasteless rations just that evening lies broken on the ground. Smith, whose wife is expecting their first child. Templar, Carrington, Gleed... Laura Kent, who could have told him about his mother, lying like she did, dead on the ground, blood beneath her, cold in the morning sun.

“Anyone down there?” comes a sudden voice from inside her helmet. “Anyone? Away team, please respond.”

His own comm must have been damaged by the acid, so he removes her helmet, gently.

“This is Lieutenant Shepard,” he chokes. “They are all dead.”

“Lieutenant! What happened? Can you make it to the LZ?”

“On my way.”

\- - -

Later, much later, after telling his story a few dozen times, after the surgeries to repair his face have left him scarred but whole, he makes an Extranet search on the name Laura Kent gave him. He finds a Hiraku Yukimura of about the right age on a list of casualties of the Batarian slave raid on Mindoir. 

He really didn't need more dead to mourn.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Heavy drinking and explicit sex under the influence.

Shepard stares at the empty glasses in front of him. Squinting does not diminish their number so he figures he really has drunk a hell of a lot. He doesn't feel that drunk. He feels numb, which is about the best he can hope for these days, but still too rational for his taste. Knowing he has to stop drinking or risk alcohol poisoning is depressing. 

He wants to forget, and there are only two things he knows that work: booze and sex. Drugs, maybe, but he would never go down that road, having seen too many bad ends in the streets. 

And who would have known that he'd actually enjoy sex one day? His first time – first time actually wanting to have sex – was a revelation. He could do it. He could like it. And he got hooked. 

Men, women, human, Turian, it doesn't matter, as long as it is consensual and fun for all. The only thing he doesn't touch are the Asari. Not many of them in the sleazy bars he favours anyway, and he fears they might want to do that melding thing. He isn't going to let anyone inside his head, thank you very much. 

He gets up, and all of a sudden the booze hits him in force. He smiles. That's what he was waiting for. He sways in place, luxuriating in the haze that falls over his mind. Hell yeah... 

He stumbles towards the restroom, and nearly runs into a dark-haired man. Off-duty Alliance, by the looks of it. Nice fit body, and a great ass, from what he can see in the dimly-lit bar. 

“Sorry,” he slurs, smiling, and the man reaches out to steady him. 

“No problem,” the man says and smiles and damn he has nice brown eyes. 

Shepard forgets his mission and stays right there, leaning slightly on his new friend. 

“So... what's a good-looking soldier like you doing in a dive like this?” he asks, smirking at his bad pick up line. 

“Looking to get laid, naturally,” replies the man, still smiling, and his voice is lovely, deep and husky and Shepard can't think of anything but him. “Or get mighty drunk. Or both. Well on the way on the latter.”

He isn't slurring as much as Shepard, but his posture isn't exactly parade ready either. 

“I can help you with the former, too,” Shepard offers, polite as ever. 

The man runs his gaze up and down his body, and his smile widens. “All right.”

The restroom door opens behind them, and Shepard pushes the dark-haired man in. He could try and find a room with a bed, or he can get some of that right now, right here.

He uses his omnitool to hack the lock so that it can't be opened from outside, and pushes the now laughing man against the wall next to the sink. 

He stops the laughter with a kiss. It's sloppy, and misses the target a bit but the man turns his head to compensate and oh yeah, this is it, head swimming with the haze of alcohol and lust, and he doesn't even remember what he came out here to forget. The kiss is wet and desperate, tongues meeting, clumsy in their haste, and his hands are on that lovely, lovely ass, grinding their groins together. 

The man has better coordination than Shepard whose whole attention is on the kiss. His hands are on Shepard's fly, now, and he pulls back slightly to give him more room. He gets his own hands to leave the luscious cheeks and attacked his zip with unstable determination. 

He can't force himself to stop the kiss, so he can't take a look, but the man's cock feels wonderful in his hand – hard, hot, smooth, bigger than average, sure, but not too huge to get a good grip, and even though the other man has him in hand, too, which is – hell – distracting, he still enjoys touching him almost as much as being touched in return.

It is hurried and desperate, their kisses now nothing more than mutual panting and gasping against each other's mouths, and their hands bump against each other, scraping against the rough cloth of their uniforms, the almost violent pace as much pain as pleasure, and soon he is moaning into the inviting mouth, coming in bursts over their hands, staining their clothes, and the other man follows him soon after.

They pause, hands still around each other's cocks, panting against each other, and after a while Shepard moves back, stumbles, and the other man lets go of his cock in order to steady him. He grins and meets his eyes. 

“Thanks,” he says. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

“I have got to get the name of your doctor,” the other man says, and they share a laugh, washing their hands side by side, then zipping up.

That's when the awkwardness hits. 

“Buy you a drink?” Shepard asks, smiling.

“Sure,” the man says. “I've... got a room nearby.”

“Get a bottle to go?” Shepard suggests, grinning.

\- - -

When Shepard wakes up it's still dark. He gets up, gingerly, waiting for the hangover to hit but soon realises he hasn't even sobered up yet. How the hell much did they drink?

They. He's in someone's hotel room, and in the darkness he can see the shape of the other man in the bed next to him, passed out cold. 

He doesn't even know his name. Hadn't thought to ask, even though he had his cock in his mouth, his own in that wonderful, luscious ass, and damn but the hangover is going to be huge when it hits. 

He has no interest in facing an awkward morning after while puking his guts out. He stands up carefully, and gropes for his clothes in the darkness. Underwear, check; boots, one sock in them, the other wherever, and he isn't going to bother about it. Pants. He checks the pockets to make sure they are his, then grabs the first shirt he can find and is out in under a minute. 

The shirt feels a little tight around the shoulders, and that's when he realises it isn't his. Well, both are standard Alliance issue with no markings for rank or names and no pockets, so he is not going to go back to wake the other man to get his. 

He makes his way back to his own accommodations and passes out on the bed. 

\- - -

He wakes up to a pounding headache, and has to rush to the bathroom to throw up. It doesn't help the headache. 

He stumbles back on the bed, and takes stock of his surroundings. Empty room, unmade bed... but no sign of anyone else. Why does he think he spent the night with someone? Come stains on the shirt and the front of his pants, and... and the shirt isn't even his. 

So, a fellow soldier. A man. He flashes back to a pair of brown eyes, and the memory comes with a touch-memory of a well-formed ass in his hands, a husky voice asking him to fuck him, and... and that's it. He can't even remember the face, or a name, or where the said fucking took place. 

Shit but he has to stop drinking so much he doesn't even remember the good bits!

\- - -

That's the last time he drinks for a long time. He wants his control back. He wants to stop looking for forgetfulness and start getting over it. He never wants to forget one single name or face from the planet. The scar on his cheek will always remind him of them, of Akuze, and he is almost glad of it. It joins the criss-crossing scars on the corner of his eye as permanent reminders of who he has been.

Of who he is. A survivor. Maybe it's time to stop wallowing in self-pity and start honouring the dead by making something of his life, again. 

\- - -

Within a month he is in Rio, in the N1 training camp. Turns out working your body beyond all endurance and never getting enough sleep works just as well as alcohol and sex in the forgetting department. 

And at least this way it comes with a sense of accomplishment instead of a hangover and come-stained, stolen clothing.

\- - -


	6. Chapter 6

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/010.jpg.html)

By the time he makes N7 and later a Commander, Shepard is back to the way he had been in training. He makes no friends, but he gets the job done. Trusting someone else will only get them killed. And the closer you are, the more the inevitable getting killed part hurts.

It works for him for years, until he is transferred to a ship called _the Normandy_ , under a Captain Anderson.

He isn't there to make friends, he isn't there to make nice, he is there because Anderson has a mission for him. He is polite to his crew mates but keeps to himself. Making conversation is a way to gauge the mood of the ship more than a genuine effort to get to know anyone. 

When he hears about the potential Spectre candidacy he is proud, as it is an acknowledgement of his hard work and dedication. He will do his damnedest to earn it.

Then his thoughts are torn away from that as they reach Eden Prime and images of the attack play out in the screen in front of them. 

He flashes back to Akuze, just for a second. No time to even consider panicking, he has a job to do – retrieve the artefact, protect the civilians, find out what is going on, and stop it from happening. 

It is not an ideal situation to be charging in with a new squad but he's read their files and his fellow marines have been hand-picked for the job by Anderson – they have to be good. And it will be useful to have a biotic in his team again. 

Losing Jenkins in the first encounter has him cursing inside his head. It isn't as much of a shock to him as to Staff Lieutenant Alenko, but that doesn't mean he has turned cold or emotionless. He hates losing people under his command as much as he ever has. He just knows when to concentrate on the mission. It's not like he hasn't had plenty of practice.

“We'll see that he receives a proper service once the mission is complete,” he tells Alenko. “But I need you to stay focused.”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

Alenko really has a nice husky voice, notes a part of his brain, and he shakes his head to silence the voice. His ass looks nice in the armour, too, just the shape he likes. He has never been this distracted on the field by a fellow marine. This could become a problem.

Luckily, for him, they are attacked by some kind of flying drones again, and his thoughts crash firmly back into action. 

\- - -

Eden Prime doesn't look like Jenkins' boring paradise now. Smoking ruins and burnt corpses litter their way, and of all the troops that were stationed there they only meet one alive. Gunnery Chief Williams provides useful local intel, and Shepard doesn't hesitate in adding her into their team. She fits right in, just as long as she keeps the simmering rage and lust for vengeance in check.

When they realise the zombie-like husks they are fighting are actually people – colonists, soldiers, scientists – transformed, the whole day takes an even more drastic turn into the horrific. For him, it's target practice – for Williams... is she shooting at people she knew?

The husks even keep running straight at you, like the zombies of old vids, but instead of aiming for your brain they blow up in an electrical blast when they get close enough. When they are far, it's easy enough for him to pick them up with his Avenger but if they get close...

And then there are the geth. Geth. Like a bogey man from history, nothing but a story to humans who weren't even a part of galactic affairs when they last caused problems. 

They do find survivors, though, civilians who have managed to hide when the soldiers gave their lives to protect them, scientists and locals, they even stumble into a local smuggling operation. 

Through all of this Nihilus has been scouting ahead, and then... nothing. Few hours in and they already have a dead Spectre in their hands. And if the weasel-like witness is to be trusted... he was killed by another Turian, someone Nihilus knew. Another Spectre? 

Shepard has a feeling this will not be simple or quick to sort out. An unknown spaceship is one thing, but add the geth and a rogue Spectre... He can only hope they are not too late to save the Beacon, because if someone wants it this bad, it must be something they shouldn't be allowed to get their claws in on at any price. 

On a more positive note, Alenko is a joy to watch in the field. He is one of the strongest biotics Shepard has ever worked with, and he's not too bad with the pistol either, happily picking up the husks that escape Shepard's Avenger or Williams' Lancer.

He's not as hung up on the dead as he had feared, either, completely able to concentrate on the job of clearing out the rest of the geth on the planet.

The artefact, the Beacon, is still there when they reach their destination and have disabled the explosives the geth left behind, but that must mean it's something Saren and his allies could use without having to take it with them.

Well, the geth failed in destroying it, so they will take it with them to the Citadel to be studied, and just hope that it will give them some answers into this whole mess.

Shepard has contacted the ship and is talking with Williams when he notices something weird is going on. He doesn't even pause to think – the Prothean beacon seems to have activated, and taken control of Lieutenant Alenko, so Shepard tackles him out of its reach. 

Too bad it then takes control of him.

It's like the most intense nightmare ever, images tinted blood red explode over his vision, his brain, and there's destruction and pain and death, as machines – geth? – kill organic beings over and over and over again.

Then there is nothing.

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/005.jpg.html)


	7. Chapter 7

It all happens fast, after. Anderson is “asked” to step aside, and _the Normandy_ and her crew are Shepard's. And he is a Spectre. And does the whole damn crew think this is some kind of a summer camp? The only one respecting the chain of command and his status is the only man he wants to actually get to know. 

He almost tells Williams he suspects the major chip on her shoulder and the attitude problem that comes with it are more than likely the actual reason for her constant remote postings. Second-guessing her CO to his face? In a public meeting? How the hell did a person so lacking in discipline come out of a military family? 

And Moreau? If he wasn't so damn good at flying the damn ship Shepard would be tempted to ask for someone who acts his age. Even Pressly, who is old school, feels it is his place to complain about Shepard's choice of crew members. 

It almost makes him reconsider the honour of this posting. Maybe it had been a punishment, after all, to saddle him with the most unprofessional of crews and now he is stuck trying to save the galaxy with it. 

At least there is Kaidan Alenko. The man he really wouldn't mind getting a bit informal with, but to whom he had to actually point out that being friendly with his CO isn't against regs. And _he_ is worried about getting too informal.

He can't get enough of listening to his voice, to tell the truth, and it's so strange to be feeling like this while on duty that it keeps him up a few nights. Like the Geth and the Beacon and the crazy Turian weren't enough for that.

He finds himself getting used to his unprofessional crew, too. In the field, in action, they are all business, and soon he would choose any of them to guard his back, over anyone he's ever worked with. Yes, even Williams. Damn, she can shoot.

The mission is different from anything he's ever done before, more intense and more out of all recognisable form, and maybe what feels like a lack of professionalism is just what is needed to gel the crew together. 

So Shepard finds himself laughing at Joker's commentary, sharing a drink and a story with Williams on a quiet evening, even sharing confidential information with the Quarian. He enjoys his talks with the Krogan mercenary, like the mutual respect they've developed, and feels almost protective of the Turian C-Sec officer who is such a force in the field but seems so insecure in so many other ways. His frustration with the confines of the law is worrying, though. 

Shepard is happy when their talks about the end not justifying the means, especially when there are civilians to consider, seem to go through. Spectres are outside the normal law, yes, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try to work within the law – the spirit at least if not the word. Because when you go vigilante in the name of justice, you always lose something, and it can be hard to keep seeing the lines that shouldn't ever be crossed. When you keep your eyes blindly in your goal you forget to think about the collateral damage. Just look at Anderson's history with Saren.

If you see the world as black and white, good and evil, and the criminals as something to be stopped at any cost, what's preventing you from stopping to care about actual justice, and just turning into an executioner? And if you do, who keeps you in check? 

Kaidan starts to open up to him, too, and he wishes he could meet his confidences with his own. But would it feel like he was trying to belittle his experiences in BAaT if he tells him about his own childhood? He does mention being an orphan but leaves it at that. For now. 

When Kaidan tells him about the girl he loved... well. Shepard isn't a sweet and beautiful woman in need of protection, so if that is the only thing Kaidan is into... At least they can be friends. 

No, that sounds like being friends is second best, a consolation price. It isn't like that. For the first time in his life, Shepard wants to have a friend, a person he sincerely wants to spend time with, whose opinion he values, and whom he wants to... keep in his life, no matter what. He would be proud of that friendship, and its value is not diminished by the fact he actually wants to sleep with the man, as well. 

At least he keeps telling himself it is only about desire to feel that firm body against his, meeting that brown gaze while pounding into a willing body. Just sex. 

\- - -

Doctor Liara T'Soni's crush on him is obvious and embarrassing as Shepard can't help viewing her as a teenager, too young for him on so many levels. It feels stupid, seeing that she is over three times his age, but she does admit to being a little more than a child in her culture, so maybe it makes sense. 

Seeing her in the field makes him forget about her age. Apparently archaeology is a tough field and makes sure you know how to protect yourself and your finds. It is quite something to charge into battle, flanked by biotics. 

It figures, too, that Kaidan is considered exceptional for a human biotic. It would take someone exceptional to make Shepard consider... Consider it being maybe something else than just friendship and lust. 

He has never felt like it before, so it confuses him. Tricia was... Tricia was like family, more than anything else, something he fell into, something he didn't have a choice about. 

He feels like he has a choice, here. He can seek the other man out, is choosing to spend time with him, to get to know him better. He is constantly bating these new feelings, and they are almost addictive in their intensity. When Kaidan tells him about pain in his past, he wants to hold him, to protect him, and how the hell can one protect anyone against painful memories? 

When he smiles, there is a fluttering feeling in the pit of Shepard's stomach, and maybe that isn't indigestion after all. 

Maybe he's actually falling for the man. 29 and suffering his first serious crush. That is damn embarrassing, not to mention inconvenient. 

Still... it's almost as good to know that he can actually feel like this as it had been to find out he could enjoy sex, regardless of his childhood experiences. Painful as it is.

Maybe he isn't as damaged as he always thought.

Doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it, of course. The regs are there for a reason. 

But nothing can stop him from being his friend. That, in itself, is new and dangerous enough for him. He knows he's just setting himself up for the next painful loss but for the first time... it might be worth it, to have had the closeness, the friendship, the relationship, even if he ends up losing it.

When he ends up losing it.

\- - -

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/001-1.jpg.html)


	8. Chapter 8

Raising in rank means more responsibility. That responsibility means making decisions, especially the hard ones.

One's effectiveness is in direct relation to how well one lives with the decisions one makes.

Especially when someone ends up dead.

Virmire was bad. Flying in on faulty intel, having to stage a desperate suicide mission to destroy a science facility, and having to make the call that risked alienating one of his crew.

Of course he understands where Wrex is coming from – the genophage is an abomination, a slow death of a proud race, and if he could have conceived of a way to save the data without risking it falling into wrong hands... Maybe he should have tried harder. But at least the Krogan mercenary respects him enough to follow him even after that fiasco. 

Well, maybe calling it a fiasco is a bit much. They did succeeded in their goal, even if Saren managed to escape. But they lost many brave Salarians in the process. 

They lost Williams as well.

And Shepard will always have to live with the fact that it was his decision that put her in that situation. Every soldier signs up knowing the risks, and no one would know them better than her, that's not it.

But the person he should have sent with the Salarian troops? That was Kaidan. It was without a doubt a job for an officer, and it should have by rights been Kaidan's. And in the end it was a choice between protecting the bomb or detouring to rescue Williams and the Salarians, not between whom to save.

There were many reasons for his decision, and he is willing to back them at any court of justice. She was more than capable of fulfilling the duty, her shooting skills were a valuable addition to the team, and Shepard is used to working with Kaidan in the field, their “you lift them up, I drop them down” routine as effortless as breathing, and it would have made no sense to separate them in a battle as hard as that.

But he had other reasons, too. Williams had been getting on his nerves with her xenophobia. She could criticise the Terra Firma party all she wanted, but the fact that they were more xenophobic than her didn't make her outright dismissal of their alien allies any easier to deal with. 

He had been working on her slowly, making her get used to going on missions with Liara, Garrus, Wrex and Tali, and figured that working closely with some seriously kick-ass Salarians might make her broaden her views even more. (He had sworn that if he had to hear one more off-hand xenophobic comment from her in public, he was going to put her on disciplinary charges.)

It had been hard not to like Williams. But sometimes it had been damn hard liking her, too. He had wanted her to get rid of the bitterness and become the soldier she could be, if only she could get over the imagined grudge the Alliance supposedly had towards her family. Every recruit hears the stories of “unpromotionables,” people who for some reason or another are rumoured to be stuck in their current rank. Every officer knows the stories are bullshit. Shepard read her file, he knows damn well it bore no mention of her supposed family shame, but it did mention disciplinary issues.

He liked the way she was close to her family, her seemingly effortless relationship with her sisters a thing he could only marvel at, her loyalty to them, and the sensitive side she showed when quoting poetry or consoling Mr Bhatia after the loss of his wife. 

She had so much potential.

Still, it was his decision, and he has to stand by it. Even though he knows that even if he had known the outcome of his decision beforehand... he would have made the same damn choice. 

If he _had_ had to choose between Williams and Kaidan...

He's not proud of it. But he knows which one he would always choose.

\- - -

“How do you do it, sir?” Kaidan asks when he approaches the man.

“Do what?”

“Live with losing people under you. Is it just practice? No, wait, that sounds bad. I didn't mean to belittle your experiences in Akuze...”

“It's okay. Yes, in a way it is practice. I'm not saying you ever get used to it, or that you even should, but... You do get used to it, in a way. Some people deal with it by cutting themselves off. That's how I dealt with it for a long time. By not letting anyone close, because then their loss is less personal. Does that sound heartless?”

“No... I suppose, after losing so much... it makes sense.”

Shepard doesn't tell him that was his _modus operandi_ even before Akuze, because the reason is right, even if the timeline is off. 

“Yeah. It also means you never make friends.”

“That sounds lonely.”

“It is,” he admits quietly. “And sooner or later you have to let someone close or you're going to forget how it's done.”

“You said... you used to do that. What changed?”

Shepard meets his eyes and smiles, and it only takes the other man a few seconds to read the reply in his expression. 

“Really?” he asks, sounding amazed. “ _The Normandy?_ ”

“You.”

\- - -


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't even going to have this chapter but [shiny_glor_chan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shiny_glor_chan/pseuds/shiny_glor_chan) wanted Kaidan's reaction. (I was going to leave it until ME2...;)

Kaidan needs some time to come to terms with his commanding officer's words. The idea that someone values his – _his_ – friendship so highly as to break a years-long habit of keeping their distance is inconceivable. He's nothing special, and has a habit of keeping to himself too.

But he sees no reason for the other man to lie, so... 

Shepard was distant when he came aboard _the Normandy_. Kaidan knows he himself has rather a reputation for being by-the-book but the new XO had given even him a run for his credits. He hadn't seemed interested in getting close to anyone, just getting the job done.

But he had started opening up to people, loosening up... and it wasn't just with him, either, he knows that.

Kaidan has always been... a bit distant with everyone. Part of it is his nature. He has never been a very out-going person, preferring to keep to himself, talking with people one-on-one to get to know them rather than spend time in noisy bars or parties, even if the latter weren't just invitations for migraines. 

Part of it is the fact he is a biotic. People are mistrustful of them, even in the Fleet, and being L2 doesn't help because many seem to expect him to go crazy and start killing everyone because the implant has fried his brain. 

Shepard never even seemed to notice he is one, and has obviously gotten used to working with biotics in the field. He seems to almost enjoy sniping the mercs and geth Kaidan Lifts, and even he has to admit they work very well together in battle.

To be sought out, as Shepard seems to do, is something beyond his experience. He knows he must have come off as standoffish, or distant – maybe even wary, because Shepard actually pointed out that spending time with his CO – and enjoying it – wasn't against the regulations. 

That made him believe the other man was serious in wanting to spend time talking with him, but to be credited with the change in his whole attitude towards his crew? 

He doesn't even know how that makes him feel. Good, of course, proud, because he likes the man almost as much as he respects him, and to be considered a friend by someone like that, someone who has lost so much already, is... Yeah, it's humbling. 

He just doesn't know what he's giving him. His opinions, for what they are worth; his life story. Shepard has a very subtle sense of humour which complements his own. He's so serious all the time, but Kaidan supposes that is also understandable in light of his history. (Didn't he say he was an orphan, and Kaidan got the idea his childhood wasn't the happiest of all. Maybe that is why he doesn't talk about it.) He's so... earnest, wanting to help everyone, willing to talk to anyone... ( ...but usually never giving anything about himself in those discussions. Except to Kaidan.)

So, yeah, okay, maybe there is a bit of hero worship mixed in with his respect, Kaidan admits, but it's hard not to be impressed by the first human Spectre. What he has lived through, what he is going through now, responsible for stopping something that is threatening the whole galaxy... It's like a particularly ambitious vid.

And to think that that man, that larger-than-life hero, wants to be _his_ friend?

\- - -

He thinks there is time to find a convenient situation to tell the other man he values his friendship just as much. Even if he hadn't been in shock after Shepard's revelation, it would have felt like sucking up to try to say something then.

Still, as often as they talk, the right moment just doesn't seem to come, and then, before they know, they are on the run from the Alliance, and their time might literally be running out. 

They'll land on Ilos the next day. He has one night, one chance, to try to show the other man how much his friendship means to him. 

Now if only he could find the words.

\- - -


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Shakespeare quotes are not verbatim, I didn't think even Shepard would remember them by heart after such a long time. 
> 
> Some dialogue straight from the game.

Shepard can't sleep. He can't stop thinking, planning, preparing. He is writing memos, taking all the responsibility over his actions, even though he knows that should they fail or be wrong, every crew member will face charges on mutiny. 

He'll lie, cheat and commit forgery if need be to reduce their responsibility – they are all following him because they believe him, believe _in_ him, and it is on him if they are led astray. 

That reminds him of a Shakespeare play he read with Tricia. She loved Henry V, and made him watch at least three different old vid versions of it. There's this speech by the king... no, it's a conversation with his troops about the responsibility of the ruler over the state of his soldiers' souls. 

“But if the cause be not right.” Or noble. Or just. Or honourable. Or whatever it is, it is still so very damn apt at the moment. And then Henry goes on to have a monologue at the eve of the final battle about his responsibilities and pleading with his god, stacking good deeds against the sins of his father... He wonders if Ashley would have recognised that god?

“O god of battles, steel my soldiers' hearts...” Yeah, maybe not so much. 

And isn't there something about envying the common man because he can sleep when the king can't trade all his riches for one wink of sleep? “And sleeps all night in Elysium?” Something like that? 

Of course, Elysium has different connotations for a human these days, of heroic resistance and nightmarish Batarian attacks. Not very conducive to sleep, either.

At least Henry could disguise himself and walk freely among his men. Shepard doesn't have that option. He doesn't want to go put the pressure on anyone of his crew, who are bound to be spending their last night of safety in whatever company they wish, and screw the consequences. 

There is a knock on his door, and he stands up to admit Kaidan. He is happy to see the other man, no matter what his message. If he could have wished for one person to interrupt his thoughts... 

“Commander?”

“You probably shouldn't call me that. I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform.”

“Yeah. Hell of a thing. We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it.” He pauses for a second. “What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied. Stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?”

“I'm just here to get the job done. Let someone else be on the poster.”

”Yeah, I doubt the Reapers listen to our propaganda anyway. It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. And... If things don't go well, I want you to know... Well, it's been an honour to serve under you.”

“The honour is mine, Kaidan. Everyone on this crew has more than earned my respect and I am humbled by their – your – faith, in following me on this fool's errand.”

“We have to try, Shepard. If not us, then who? Anyway, that's all, really, just... yeah. Good night.”

He turns to go abruptly, and Shepard doesn't know what to say. All he knows is that he doesn't want the other man to go and leave him alone with the damn inner monologue of delusions of grandeur – literally.

“Wait, Kaidan, I... You're not just my subordinate, you know that. I consider you a friend. And I need a friend right now. Stay? I can't sleep. And... I don't want to be alone.”

He's worried he sounds too pathetic, too needy, but Kaidan only smiles softly and walks closer again. 

“Of course. I... have to admit I wasn't really sure what I was going to do. I doubt I'd be getting much sleep either.”

Shepard smiles, and gestures towards the table. It's either that or sit on the bed, and he doesn't quite feel comfortable enough to go there. Why isn't there a sofa or something? It's not like there isn't room. It sometimes makes him guilty to have all this extra space when his crew is sleeping in pods. 

“Drink?”

“Please.”

He chooses a bottle of whiskey from his personal stash – it isn't huge, drinking is not an option for him, really, not in the circumstances, but he likes his nightcap every now and then – and joins Kaidan at the table. 

“To mutiny?” he suggests, grinning.

“To defeating the Reapers,” counters Kaidan with a smile. 

“To Ashley,” he says, sobering up.

“I'll drink to that,” Kaidan says, also serious, and they empty their glasses wordlessly.

“This is good stuff,” Kaidan remarks, holding his glass up for a refill.

“It's not meant to be chugged down like the swill Joker keeps stashed.”

“You know about that, huh,” Kaidan says, smiling and relaxing back in his chair. It''s a good look on him, relaxed. 

“My ship. I'm supposed to know these things,” Shepard says, tapping the side of his nose like a cheesy vid character, and that gets him a laugh.

“Dare I even ask what else you know?”

“Nothing too scandalous, I'm sure. But there _is_ a reason why I'm not leaving this cabin tonight, and especially not getting close to any dark corners. Then again, maybe I should be the one in a dark corner and open my luxurious quarters to any desperate last night activities. Not that the bed is actually that comfortable.”

“But it's a bed.”

“Better than a dark corner, I suppose, but you get used to sleeper pods.”

“That you do. Speaking of which, I should probably get to mine.”

“You are welcome to the bed, if you want. It's not like I'm going to be getting any sleep.”

“You really should try, Shepard,” says Kaidan, and there is honest worry in his voice that warms Shepard much more than it should. 

“I know,” he says, sighing. “I'll just recite Shakespeare until I doze off.”

“Do I even want to know?”

“I fear few die well that die in battle,” Shepard quotes quietly from memory. “For how could they charitably dispose of anything when blood is their argument?”

“Cheery, sir,” Kaidan says, dryly. “Try one of the comedies instead?”

“Comedy is just a drama that ends well.”

“Well, here's hoping. Wouldn't have taken you for a Shakespeare man.”

“I used to read the plays with my sister. Henry V was one of my favourites.”

“That's the one with Agincourt, right?”

“Yeah. 'Once more unto the breach' and 'we few, we happy few, we band of brothers' and all that.”

“Band of brothers... Shepard, I didn't just come here to tell you that it's an honour to serve with you. It is. But I also... you are my friend. And that... means so much to me I don't even have the words. I've told you things I haven't been able to tell anyone in years and I just hope... I just hope that you know that you can always talk to me, too. That I'm here for you.”

“I know. And... it means a lot, Kaidan. I can't ever tell you how much. I know I'm a bit out of practice on this friendship thing,” he admits. “But I want... if we survive tomorrow...”

“Yeah.”

“I just want to... keep you in my life, beyond this mission. And I've never... I don't think I've ever had that.”

They talk for what feels like hours, none of it forced, none of it awkward, and it might have gone on for even longer if Shepard hadn't noticed Kaidan yawning behind his hand.

“I think I should let you get some sleep,” he says, smiling slightly.

“Well... enjoy your Shakespeare,” Kaidan says, and gets up. “But... get some sleep, too.”

“Good night, Shepard,” he says by the door.

“Good night, Kaidan.”

Shepard reaches for a pad, vaguely thinking about searching for a play to read but then realises he's actually sleepy. Kaidan's company comforted him in a way few things ever have, and he thinks he might actually try that sleeping thing. 

A well-rested soldier is better than a tired one any day, and they need every advantage they can get.


	11. Chapter 11

Shepard dreams of muddy fields and pools filled with blood, of noble sacrifice and desperate betrayal, of fighting with a bow and arrow, with swords, with maces. He sees Tricia in luxurious robes and Williams on a horse, Kaidan carried away from the field by six soldiers, and Anderson kneeling in mud. He sees Saren's head on a pike, and Sovereign as a palace, housing the Council, bearing judgement on them all.

When he wakes up, he remembers nothing.

\- - -

The morning reminds him of his doubts about his crew at the beginning of all this. Who are these people and why are they yelling at his bridge? Even Kaidan! Maybe he didn't get much sleep after all. Okay, Liara isn't Alliance. And maybe they are technically criminals instead of soldiers at the moment, but still. He wants to command them all to act their age when Joker brings the squabble to a finish with his determination to make the seemingly impossible drop.

Now to decide who he wants with him. Liara is a no-brainer, seeing that they are going to Prothean ruins to look for a Prothean artefact, and he wants to keep the away team small. He can always count on Kaidan in the field, and he has learned to fight well flanked by two biotics, but Wrex would be a good close-combat option and he is a biotic as well...

In the end he goes with his gut. Keep Kaidan close. He justifies the decision with his versatile skills in the field.

The place is awe-inspiring, and the geth feel like an affront in the surroundings. He wants to let Liara study the statues, the buildings, the technology, but there is no time. No time, no time, no time, Saren always ahead of them, and still with no idea as to the nature of the Conduit, every second could mean the difference between victory and defeat. 

Defeat. Another euphemism. Defeat means death, and not just for him and his crew, for all sentient life in the galaxy, if one believes the Giant Squid.

Maybe he is just as crazy as Saren but with the vision still bouncing in his skull it's easy to believe in the apocalyptic threat. 

\- - -

The racing against time never stops, at first chasing Saren through Ilos, then through the Conduit and into the Citadel, then through the tunnels to the Council chamber and finally, finally he confronts the Turian.

Or what is left of him. The indoctrinated fool let the Reaper augment him with machine parts, and it's a wonder there is anything left to respond to his desperate plea – but in the end Spectre Saren Arterius dies a hero; fighting through the Reaper indoctrination he turns his weapon on himself, depriving the enemy of his aid the only way he has left. 

The bastard was a proper pain in the ass, and responsible for countless deaths, but Shepard has to honour him for his strength in the end. He and Liara's mother... if only he could have known them before the Reaper got its claws... tentacles... whatever on them. Then again, according to Anderson, Saren was never a very nice guy, so maybe it's better this way.

Even if his sacrifice doesn't save them from having to fight the husk that used to be Turian, the Reaper technology rising as a metal skeleton from the ruins of Saren's body. 

While they fight the creature, the Normandy and the rest of the fleet engage the Reaper itself, and he doesn't envy them their task either. He wonders how many ships have been lost in protecting the Council but he knows that after a conflict like this figureheads will be needed, a symbol of hope and continuity. And maybe, having been proven wrong about the threat to the Citadel they will be more willing to prepare for the rest of the Reapers, waiting in dark space, a threat none of them can ever forget now. 

Maybe. With politicians, you never know.

It all happens so fast; they have hardly been able to confirm that the husk that used to be Saren is finally down when the Citadel tower itself starts shaking, and then falling around them, bits of ceiling pelting them like rain, then parts of – what, building, ship; and Joker's voice yelling triumphantly in his ear that Sovereign is down is the last thing he hears before something hits his head and all he knows is pain and darkness.

\- - -

Pain. Darkness. Shepard raises his hand to his head and realises his helmet is wedged in wrong, and he tries to pry it off only to realise he is only using one hand. The other doesn't seem to be reacting to his commands to move. 

He gets the helmet off, and the darkness isn't absolute, he can see light through the rubble he is half buried in. It's almost cosy, reminding him of the ruins of his childhood. Almost. 

He yanks, and finds he can move his legs. He positions them for leverage, and manages to get the weight off his arm. Then he turns his attention into trying to find a way out, towards the light, to find the others, hoping like hell they survived the raining debris as well. 

If they won, and the price of that victory is more dead people on his watch... If the price is Kaidan... 

Well, it's still a victory, if he remembers correctly and Sovereign has been taken out. Maybe he was buried in its guts, and wouldn't that be fitting? The idea sparks a memory of... a dream? Something about blood and mud on a battlefield? 

_O my prophetic soul_ , he thinks, self-deprecatingly, and laughs at his conceit. _Now, gentlemen, for England. Where never..._ uhh, something about never having happier men arrived home?

Maybe he has a concussion. 

When he scales the rubble and reaches the light, it is relatively easy to make his way towards... Towards a group of people, with two figures in armours he can recognise even from the distance, and he starts smiling, wide and happy. Kaidan and Liara are sitting up on their own. That has to mean they are fine. And is that... Anderson?

His comm is dead, left behind with the remains of his helmet. He supposes he could shout, but even as he thinks that Kaidan turns to face his direction, and maybe Shepard is too far away to tell for real that he immediately starts smiling, but the smile is still there as he gets closer, a radiant, relieved smile and then Kaidan is on his feet, and Shepard stumbles the last few steps and falls against him. 

For him it's a hug; for Kaidan, it's probably just supporting his limping CO. 

He'll take it.

\- - -


	12. Chapter 12

Commander Takeo Shepard is dead.

Kaidan can't quite wrap his head around it. 

_The Normandy_ is gone, taking so many souls with her. Charles Pressly, who started off so vocal against their alien crew mates but learnt to like them; Ros Draven, who always left her dishes in the sink; Alex Dubyansky, who kept talking about his horses back home... so many others. 

And Shepard.

Shepard, who saved the Citadel, who saved them all from the harvest of all sentient beings (even if he kept insisting that they had only postponed the destruction). Shepard, who died on a milk run, on a mission the Council used as camouflage to sell their cover that the the geth, with Saren as their leader, had been behind the attack on the Citadel.

It feels so stupid for such a man to go like that. And they can't even get justice – okay, fine, revenge – for him, because the ship that took down _The Normandy_ like a sack of wet rations is unknown, unrecognisable, gone immediately after the fight, and they have no clue as to its whereabouts or even origins.

Kaidan wants to blame Joker. If only he was as good a pilot as he claims he is... if only he hadn't forced Shepard to go after him... but one look at the devastated pilot is enough to quell his anger. Besides, punching him would probably kill him, and Kaidan isn't going to go there, ever again. 

Also, Shepard wouldn't like it, and it would make his whole sacrifice pointless. 

They drift apart after the battle. The non-Alliance crew members, their connection to Shepard rather than his organisation, go on their own way. They promise to keep in touch, but Kaidan knows that without Shepard's personality to keep them together it's more likely that he will never see any of them again.

He loses touch with the Alliance members as well, and only hears on the grapevine that Joker has had his wings clipped, that some of them leave, that even Chakwas disappears.

Kaidan drowns himself in work. It's what he had before _The Normandy_ , before Shepard, and it's what he will have in the future. He makes no friends, but then, he never did.

He has his work, and he has his memories of his friend, of the best man he has ever known. It is one of the only pure memories he has.

When he hears the first rumours that Shepard survived he dismisses them as wishful thinking. 

Then Anderson brings it up.

Elation battles with a feeling of betrayal. If Shepard is alive... it's wonderful to think that the world hasn't lost him after all. But... Kaidan thought the Alliance, their service, actually meant something for the man. He thought his friendship actually meant something for the man. He thought... he thought _he_ actually meant something for the man.

In the end, betrayal wins.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started its life as a fill for my hc_bingo prompt "scars".

[](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/014.jpg.html)

It takes Shepard a while to see his face in a mirror for the first time, and by then he already knows he has been practically reconstructed, so he knows to expect something bad. 

He didn't expected it to be so bad. 

He almost looks like himself. _Almost._ And that is the worst. 

If you disregard the glowing scars which he is assured will disappear in time his face looks like it always has. His features are the same: the bridge of his nose, the line of his brows, the shape of his eyes, all familiar, all accounted for... but something about his hairline is off.

Surely, surely that isn't the line he has seen for nearly three decades? ...Well, it is three decades now, while he slept he turned 30, and in just a few weeks he will be 31. 

He makes an Extranet search of himself, and holds out a pad with a PR shot for reference while studying his face in the mirror in the even more luxurious captain's cabin of the new Normandy. 

He was right, his hairline is different. Why the hell would they change such an insignificant thing? Didn't they care? Was it an accident? Should he ask Miranda, or would she just look at him with her vacant doll expression that still somehow conveys dismissal.

Did they want to screw up with his mind? Give him an eternal reminder that he is not the original edition, he was rebuilt, reworked – rescued. 

That he died and was brought back.

He doesn't want to read about himself, the obituaries, the news, the exposés, especially not after hearing from his crew how even the Alliance dishonoured his name after he was gone. He searches for Kaidan, though, and finds preciously little. He made Commander, that much he learns from public record. 

A little guiltily, he saves a picture into an electric frame he finds on one of the desks, and then hides it in a drawer, only to dig it up a little later. Who's going to see it in his private room? He can be as sentimental as he wants in here, and if some Cerberus spy sees it, they can draw their own conclusions and be welcome to them. 

He returns to the mirror, and faces the real issue the whole hairline thing was just a disguise for. 

His scars are gone. 

It seems stupid to be missing a few scars when this new face of his is so filled with them but he does. They were as much a part of his face as the bridge of his nose, the line of his brows, the shape of his eyes. The little x by his right eye, high on his cheekbone, something he's had for as long as he can remember, the first line a memory of the fight that killed his mother. 

(“Hannah Shepard, Takeo Shepard,” he whispers in his mind, instinctively, the old mantra he used to repeat every night for years, afraid he'd forget the names no one spoke. It feels as important to remind himself now.)

The line crossing it joined it just a few months later, in his first fight alone, protecting something he didn't even understand yet, and discarded soon after to pay for food, his innocence gone before he knew what to miss.

That scar was on his face when he killed the first time, when he met Tricia, when he joined the Alliance, when he earned his first commendation, on Akuze... and on Akuze it was joined by the long scars on the left side of his face, snaking down his cheek, ending just before the line of his lip, a constant reminder of the skin crafts he needed after the attack.

A reminder of all those lives lost, of the deadly acid spat by the monster from their nightmares, but also of survival against all odds, and – strangely – of his father, of learning his name for the first time. 

There were other scars, all around his body, and they'll be gone, too, now. But nothing as important, as crucial to his self image as those two (three) scars on his face. Mementos of a hard life, living on the edge of survival and never crossing over. 

Signs of who he was, where he'd been, what he'd lived through, and to have them just... be gone one day leaves him almost more unsettled than this weird world he woke up in. 

He was gone for two years, and suddenly Cerberus isn't the shady terrorist cell they investigated but a wide public organisation declaring to protect human interests in a hostile galaxy? The Alliance is an organisation his old crew can leave behind without a backwards glance, a place where they didn't feel appreciated any more? 

A galaxy that seems to have forgotten the Reapers and the threat they present to all sentient life in it? A place where human colonies – whole colonies – are disappearing, and the Alliance and the Council do nothing, content to blame it on mercs and pirates? 

Maybe he really died and this is hell. Maybe that is why everything familiar seems so strange. Maybe that is why no one can tell him anything about Kaidan's fate or current location. He asked about others, too, of course, all the members of his crew, and they all seem to have just... scattered. 

Garrus left C-Sec, Wrex went back to his people, Tali went home to her people, Liara... what is she doing on Ilium? Why isn't she on a dig somewhere? Why didn't he find any mention of any new publications from her on the Extranet, even though they made all those new Prothean findings during their mission to stop Saren?

What the hell happened to everyone? 

Well, at least he knows Kaidan stayed with the Alliance. But if it really is an organisation that has turned its back on so many of its heroes... is that a good thing?

\- - -

The new scars fade, and his skin looks more normal every day. Maybe it's the positive thoughts like Doctor Chakwas says, but Shepard doubts it as there is very little to be positive about. 

Of course it's good to see old friends again, Wrex as a ruler of his clan, ha! Good for him. Garrus... Garrus, who decided to ignore everything they ever talked about about the importance of doing things right and turned vigilante? He's not sure he recognises his old friend anymore. Whereas Wrex seemed to have grown with his new duties (respectability a good look on him), Garrus... it's like he hit the teenage years of badassery and conceit. 

He has the skills to back the attitude, sure, but how close is he to crossing the line? Are there still principles keeping him in check? Every time he tries to talk to him, he just says he's busy with his eternal calibrations or whatever busywork he can come up with to avoid him. At least that's what it feels like.

It was good to see Tali, too. He hadn't realised how big an impact he made on the Quarian until her personal notes revealed how she looked up to him for guidance and inspiration even after he was gone.

So there is that. All these people, and being able to help again, maybe that counts as positive. 

It almost makes it worse, to see his unlined face in the mirror. He shaves eyes closed most mornings, pretending it's practice, telling himself he's just training to operate by feel alone. But the truth is he doesn't recognise the face in the mirror, and he's afraid of the feeling. Doesn't need the self doubts, not when so much is at stake.

His new face doesn't tell anyone where he's been, what he's seen, or the hardships he's endured. It looks smooth and unlined – untested, inexperienced. The weight of his years is there in his eyes but his unbroken skin irritates him so much some days he feels like taking a blade to it, to recreate his oldest companions, to bring back his marks of identity.

Maybe it makes him more reckless, makes him forego his helmet when he really should make use of the extra protection it offers, but he doesn't feel like protecting the façade.

He develops a new habit: while he whispers the names in his mind in the night his fingers trace the spots of his scars. He doesn't want to forget them either, afraid he'll lose something precious if he does. 

\- - -

Kaidan looks at him like he doesn't know him, either, and it hurts worse than anything else. The words come out all wrong, and before explaining, apologising, he's already blurted out his request for him to join them. Of course he says no.

And of course Garrus is “busy” when he wants to talk, after, when he feels like there isn't enough air in the Normandy, when his chest feels tight and bruised, and he needs a kind face, a friendly word, and a warm hug more than he ever realised he could. The price of all that damn caring.

It takes two days for him to start breathing easier, and that's just because Kaidan sends him a message. It's carefully worded, still filled with doubts and feelings of betrayal, but he refers to their friendship as something that mattered a lot to him, hoping it really meant as much to him, and expresses a wish that maybe, after all this, they can try to regain it. 

He lives for days on that one message, on that hope, and his equally carefully worded reply takes shamefully long to compose. 

He doesn't even remember what he wrote, in the end, sleep deprived and lonely, fresh off a mission from hell, but he thinks he may have babbled about scars.

Kaidan's next reply is more relaxed, even if still careful, and the hope intensifies. 

_“Yeah, I noticed about the scars. Weird. And has your hair line always been like that?”_

He laughs, and Joker makes pointed remarks about the weird thing happening on his face, what is that... a smile? He thought Miranda left that feature off!

He doesn't tell him the reason for it, though, keeping the private messages and the warmth they create to himself. Well, to himself, and EDI, and Miranda, and maybe the Illusive Man to whom the two are bound to report to but he mostly decides not to think about that. 

He tells Kasumi, though. The thief has a soft spot for romance, and he'd rather talk to someone who doesn't know them both. If Garrus was actually talking to him, that is. And... is Tali flirting with him? He must be making that up. Tali's like his little sister!

Kasumi finds the idea of his “pen pal” cute, but never teases him in public, so maybe she really does get it. 

\- - -

_I spoke with a geth today. Let me repeat that: I had a conversation with a geth. Turns out the geth we fought were just a faction, an irregularity, and these guys calling themselves “True Geth” are something else. They don't hate organics on principle – not that I could blame them, between you and me, if your first meeting with organics after gaining sentience is your creator race performing a genocide on your ass – and are actually willing to work with us._

_This, I didn't tell you, which, maybe I shouldn't say, because I know you have to report everything, and I know Miranda censors any sensitive information out of these messages before they reach you (Hi, Miranda, don't try to deny you read these, you bossy wench) but... yeah. We have one on board. He... It... Them, damn, it refers to itself in plural, being merely a voice of the geth consensus? Anyway, the platform we call Legion has a bit of my old N7 armour fixing a hole on its body. He claims it was just a useful piece of metal used for field repairs, but... I don't know. It feels like there's more. Like maybe... there is an almost emotional quality to it._

_Or possibly I should just sleep more._

_Thank you for listening, Kaidan. Thank you for being there. I don't think I could do this alone. (Yes, Miranda, I did mean to write 'alone', don't censor that, please.) (Although maybe you should.)_

_Shepard_

\- - -

_Shepard,_

_you know I don't relish going through your private correspondence. And I am not your editor. If you want to wreck your relationships, you are free to do so._

_Just as long as you mention no names or locations. Those I will edit out._

_And if you don't stop leaving sarcastic little notes for me, I will replace them with the cheesiest pick up lines I can find. And, trust me, I hear a lot of them._

_Miranda_

\- - -

_Do I even want to know? About your censor? How can I trust the messages I get from you are really all from you?_

_Well, in case you did say it... I'm here for you. I know that what you are doing is important, and even though I don't approve of the people you got into bed with, I can't really wholly blame you either. It's getting harder and harder for me to get any real support for my research._

_And I learned that you are actually doing jobs for Hackett. If he trusts you, at least that much... Who am I to second guess my superior officers? Although I do recall doing that on occasion. There may have been shouting involved. Sorry?_

_It feels like... like I really did get my friend back, and... who am I to get so lucky?_

_Maybe I need a censor, too._

_Take care, Shepard. Please._

_Kaidan_

\- - -

_Kaidan,_

_I'm about to do something monumentally stupid and potentially fatal. The good thing is that if it works, then the whole Collector issue is put to bed. The downside is that even if we succeed... we might not be coming back. We're really putting the 'suicide' back into 'suicide mission'._

_There are many things I'd like to tell you, and not least is leaving you some clue as to where to direct your efforts if we fail, but I know that would never go through, so I will just have to hope that the Illusive Man is smart enough to publish our findings if we fail._

_There is more, of course, but it would feel unfair to burden you with those things, so I suppose I'll just say thank you, again, and goodbye – this time I can do at least that._

_It feels like the night before Ilos. I can't sleep. I'm thinking about my sister, and Shakespeare, and you, and I miss you. I wish there was someone on this ship I could ask to just sit with me, share a drink with me, and let me be human for a few hours before I have to be the bloody saviour of everything again._

_Don't get me wrong, I have good people on board, the best – you'd fit right in. But... no matter how much I appreciate or even like them..._

_Well, I just wish you were here._

_Then maybe I wasn't trying to put myself to sleep with Henry V and staring at the fish._

_Don't ask about the fish._

_Yeah, okay, fine, apparently Cerberus' idea of good resource management on a spaceship is a wall-length aquarium._

_Of course I bought bloody fish in it. Who wouldn't?_

_Take care, Kaidan._

_Yours,  
Takeo Shepard_

\- - -

Kaidan stares at the message. Parts of it make him want to laugh, he can hear Shepard's voice so clearly (Fish? Really?), and parts of it make him choke up. 

He still isn't sure what the new Shepard really is, if Cerberus... changed him but he wants to have his friend back so badly he is willing to go with it, for now. And it's easier via messages, when he doesn't need to look at that strange unscarred face. It's funny to miss someone's scars, a physical reminder of the pain they've gone through in the past, but even Shepard admitted to finding their absence odd. 

No, what really scares him is the fact that never in any of their communications during all the time he's known him has Shepard ever referred to himself with his given name. Now it's like he's making sure someone remembers him as something other than just the heroic Commander Shepard.

It hammers the point home: Shepard doesn't expect to come back. 

He receives the message almost a day after it was sent, stuck on an undercover mission on a godforsaken ruin of a planet, and he curses the futile mission for making him miss this. Any reply he can send will be too late. 

_Shepard,_

_if I recall correctly, Henry V lived, won the battle of Agincourt, and didn't even lose many of his men._

_So... I don't know, don't just borrow the guilt, take some of that, too._

_I don't even know what I'm saying. If you're reading this it means you did make it, so what does any of this matter?_

_I know you can do it. And I know you need to be the one doing it. And those people wouldn't be following you if they didn't believe in you too. Then again, they could be idiots. Why are you flying with idiots, Shepard?_

_Anyway. Let me know you're okay as soon as you can._

_Yours,_

_Kaidan_

 

He read the play after the first time Shepard mentioned it, and even liked it. But he just knows that the other man would be concentrating on the bits of the doubts the military leader has on the eve of a big battle. And, possibly, that's where he gets the inspiration for all of those great speeches? Maybe they aren't quite Shakespeare but they sure fill the listener with confidence and pride. 

“For he who fights with me today shall be my brother...” 

Brothers in arms. Friends. It doesn't quite seem enough to express what they are, what they used to be, anymore. Doesn't explain the happiness he felt when Shepard admitted to missing him. If Shepard lives, and they can capture even a little of what they had... The other man is probably the most important person in Kaidan's life, after his parents. Or... in addition to his parents. 

And that's a scary thought. 

And anyway, all of this is moot if Shepard doesn't live through his Agincourt.

\- - -

_He does die in the epilogue, though, if you count that._

_Shepard_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short filler chapter today, because I was lured into a bar to celebrate the end of the semester, and the next bit needs some work.

The messages stop when Shepard surrenders himself and his ship to the Alliance. He is completely cut off from the rest of the galaxy, from everyone and everything, and maybe he's paying the price now, for all that caring, for letting all those people close but...

Well, only the time will tell if it really was worth it.

He will do his time with no complaints, no matter what the Alliance brass wants to throw at him, and think it worth it to have done what he did to protect the galaxy, it's not that. But being out of touch with the people he resisted for so long... Sure, it would have been easier to bear when he had no one. 

But would he have made it then? Would he have cared enough to save the world with no ties to anyone, no motivation for that extra effort, no reason to keep fighting to stay alive after?

Somehow, when he wasn't looking... he made friends. No, more, he found himself with a family. A rather unusual and a very diverse family, but there really is no other way to describe the people in his two Normandys, the people who followed him to hell and back, some of them twice.

Some only in the distance, but Shepard values the help Kaidan gave him through his messages just as much as the people who were there in body. Without him... Shepard doesn't think he would have cared to let his new allies close. He fears he would have closed himself off just as surely as he did after Akuze. It is the only way he knows to guard against the pain of loss.

Anderson sneaks him information in between interrogations and meetings with the council – Tali went back to the Migrant Fleet, Garrus has an official position of some sort on Palaven, Kaidan is alive and working, Miranda has avoided capture by both Alliance and Cerberus forces... Donnelly and Daniels are under arrest, the same as him.

Well, maybe not the same as him, because Shepard knows he is privileged in his accommodation, in that he hasn't been handed out to the vultures yet, in that he is provided books, even if he has no Extranet access or methods of communication. Lieutenant James Vega who is his guard-dash-bodyguard is not a bad person, and Shepard wouldn't mind having him by his side in combat. 

Still. He misses people. He misses discussions with people he gives a damn about. He misses the camaraderie of his ship. It's not like he's nostalgic about their desperate mission(s) but... working towards a common goal with a dedicated crew... will he ever have that again?

At least he'd be allowed visitors if they tried and convicted him already. He has to believe his family would want to visit, that Kaidan would want to visit, because if all this caring is one-sided... 

Well, quite frankly, it would still have been worth it, to know that he isn't broken, not all the way, and can actually feel love.


	15. Chapter 15

Kaidan doesn't know who this man is.

He looks like his old friend, almost. The scars that used to frame his face, that just seemed to make him more handsome, adding personality to his face, are gone, and his face is unlined, unmarked... new, a constant reminder that this shell is less than a year old. Or maybe two, if Cerberus really was working on it for all the time the universe thought him dead.

That Kaidan thought him dead.

But you can't bring people back from the dead, not really. So... what is he? A clone? A cyborg? Could a human organisation really make someone who is so very nearly someone Kaidan knew and admired?

There are constant reminders that he is not quite human. Shepard and sniper rifles have always been a thing, the day he received his Spectre grade sniper rifle almost like a public holiday on _the Normandy_ , with Shepard and Garrus sneaking off to try it out. 

Everyone on the ship had access to Spectre grade weaponry after Shepard did. The Commander only wanted the best for his crew. Kaidan has to admit he's never had a better pistol than the HMWP Shepard presented to him with little ceremony. 

And now... Now Shepard can shoot a sniper rifle standing up, without support. Kaidan would break his bones if he tried that, and any shot he took would be kilometres wide because there is no way he could aim that thing without something to brace against.

It makes the Commander look like some sort of superhero in combat, almost machine-like, and Kaidan doesn't like the implications. 

It was different, writing messages, because the Shepard that came through his writing was... it was easy to pretend he was still him, if maybe a little more relaxed, a little more open about his feelings, and even that sounds suspicious to Kaidan right now.

He doesn't want to feel like that, he doesn't like the suspicion in his own voice when he questions Shepard about the Cerberus presence on Mars, about his loyalties, about all of it.

When Shepard tells him he should know better he apologises, because he _does_ , and the intimate tone of “you of all people” gets to him. 

And then they see what Cerberus has done to their soldiers, how they have... improved them, and Kaidan can't help but wonder if Shepard is like them, if under that (new, not-quite-the-same) face he is like them, huskified.

He pretends that he imagines the flash of hurt in his old CO's eyes when he vocalises his doubts.

They fight together well, of course. And just as Shepard is the new, improved version of what he used to be, so is Kaidan. He's bulked up considerably during their years apart, and trained himself to use assault rifles in addition to pistols, more used to working alone in combat instead of as a part of a team these days.

Still... he Lifts them up and Shepard drops them down. Like a well-maintained machine, like clockwork, like magic. Like partners.

It's surreal, fighting beside Shepard and Liara, all of them so different from what they used to be – yet so similar at the same time. Liara seems so much more mature, and he figures he does too, much more used to counting on himself, and only himself, something he had to learn while working alone for so long, and then being in charge of all those other people, his students. 

He even outranks Shepard these days, and how surreal is that?

Still, Shepard is his Commander, and he will follow his lead... for now.

\- - -

Kaidan doesn't hesitate to push Liara out of the way of the machine that emerges from the burning shuttle like a creature from a horror vid. 

He doesn't have a chance against it once it gets its claws around his neck.

He can't breathe, the machine slamming his head against the wall repeatedly bringing up star clusters behind his eyelids, and he knows he's dying.

_Not now, not when I just got him back..._


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue straight from the game but it's not word for word.

_NO!_

Shepard has never wished for his in utero eezo exposure to have granted him biotic powers as much as the moment the synthetic emerges from the crashed shuttle to attack Kaidan.

Seeing it manhandle Kaidan like a rag doll fills Shepard with a rage so powerful he feels it's unbearable that he cannot reach out and rip it apart. He settles on shooting it until it falls, lifeless, on the roof.

He's by Kaidan's side in an instant. He's alive, he's alive, but his bruised face is so pale, his breathing so laboured, and how long was his brain without oxygen? How hard was his head banged against the shuttle wall? 

He picks up the broken body as gently as he can, and holds him close all through the ride to _the Normandy_ , Liara's fingers on his pulse. 

He deposits him on a bed on the empty medbay, looking at him helplessly. He feels like his brain froze the moment Kaidan was attacked, and he can't quite force it to think, to plan, to move... Liara takes control, almost commanding him to take them to the Citadel, for Kaidan to get proper medical attention, and he breathes again.

Yes, they need to get him to a hospital. And that's where he will get him, even if the Citadel wasn't where they were supposed to head anyway.

He refuses to lose the man when he just got him back.

\- - -

Kaidan looks so bad on the hospital bed. 

His face is black and blue, dried blood still showing on his right nostril, and Shepard wants to wash it off but is afraid to touch him because he looks so bruised it seems like the lightest touch would hurt him.

His bare upper body would fascinate Shepard on any other day (because, damn, the man has been working out) but now it only adds to the air of vulnerability. He's so still, so quiet...

“Don't die, Kaidan,” he whispers, and if his voice breaks down on his name... well, there's no one to witness it. “We need you. _I_ need you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a patchwork, this. Couldn't decide how to divide this and the stuff on the previous chapter, and I didn't want to stretch them for days. (I want to get to the good stuff!) So, here is it in this form, as I am tired of trying to make it fit.

Having to leave the Citadel while Kaidan is still unconscious is hard, but Shepard has to look at the bigger picture. There are so many other people getting hurt and dying on Earth every moment he hesitates, on Earth, on Palaven, on every planet under attack, and he has a job to do. Raise an army to oppose the Reapers. 

And he can't do that without the turians, who won't do it without the krogan, who won't do it without a cure for the genophage, which can't be done without the salarians, who are not playing ball, and damn he wishes Anderson could be up here playing at being a diplomat while he was down on Earth shooting at Reapers. 

At least he's got Garrus by his side. Garrus, who finally grew up to the responsibility, the change in him reminding Shepard of the change in Wrex. Like he's finally fulfilling his potential. 

\- - -

Then he gets a message from Kaidan telling him he's awake and for a moment it sounds like the best news ever. He tells joker to take them to the Citadel. He doesn't even feel guilty because there are so many things they need to do there anyway.

\- - -

If Kaidan has something in the hospital, it's time to think.

He can remember every second of the attack that landed him there. Where is traumatic amnesia when you need it? 

He can remember his last thought before losing consciousness as clearly as anything. 

_Not now, not when I just got him back._

He can remember the desperation he felt, the sense of loss, and... yeah. Maybe he really needs to rethink everything he thinks he knows about his relationship with Shepard. Or... what he wants it to be.

He already knew he was one of the most important people in his life, and was still satisfied with calling him a friend? 

He's never had a friend like Shepard. Maybe he still doesn't. 

No, that's not it, they are friends... or were friends, and can be friends again... regained some of it while exchanging messages half a year ago, but they never dealt with what happened on Horizon – and now they need to deal with Mars, too.

But can they be something else, in addition to being friends? Does he want them to be?

Being attracted to men is nothing new to Kaidan. But his admiration to Shepard has always been so mixed up in hero worship, awe, and so many other things that he hasn't just looked at him like a man. Like an attractive man. 

Very attractive. Very, very attractive. 

And he really shouldn't think about that while stuck on a hospital bed and being poked and prodded regularly by a team of doctors.

But it's more than that, more than physical appreciation. 

With the apocalyptic war looming on the horizon, it's a good time to take stock of his life. Almost dying makes it even more inevitable.

Professionally, he has achieved what he wanted, has a career he can be proud of, made something out of his troubled youth. Personally... He grew up thinking he would find someone one day, someone to love, someone to stay. Someone like Rahna. 

Someone... like Shepard? 

He's never thought of him like that but... when he thinks about all the people he has met, everyone he has known, there is only one person he wants to see every day for the rest of his life. The realisation throws him, but only a bit, because... it feels right. 

What he didn't even realise he was looking for was right there, too close for him to notice. 

He has been falling for Shepard for years but never recognised it for what it was. No wonder he was so mad at him at Horizon, that his betrayal felt so personal. 

Now he really needs to fix things with Shepard or he'll never find out if, maybe, Shepard could feel the same way.

\- - -

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/ME3.jpg.html)

Kaidan looks... almost as bad as he did when Shepard was forced to leave him there. Still bruised, still pale, still in pain. Still mostly naked.

But he's awake, he's talking, and Shepard hands over the bottle of whiskey he picked up a the hospital store like a peace offering. He doesn't know what to say, but luckily Kaidan does. 

He finally wants to talk about Horizon, and seems to want to repair their friendship, and Shepard is more than happy to oblige. If he can have his friend back...

Well, it doesn't stop him from wanting to crawl into that bed, and curling around him to soak up his warmth, to make sure nothing can hurt him again, but it does warm him on the inside, and the smile he offers is genuine. 

He can't help letting his admiration to shine through in some of his responses. Kaidan calls him on his flirting, and... seems to approve. That is new. It's possible he's only joking. But still, it's more than Shepard has ever had, so he's going with it. 

“You have to go,” Kaidan reminds him, while he lingers. 

“I know... I just... wish you could come with me.”

“Stuck on bed rest, I'm afraid. But... I wish I could, too.”

\- - -

The next time he manages to get time to get to the Citadel Kaidan is up and dressed, his bruises faded, and he is going to leave the hospital but not for _the Normandy._ Of course he can't grudge the man an opportunity to become a Spectre – it's huge – but he had kinda, sorta wished that...

“I was hoping you'd like to come back to _the Normandy_ ,” he says.

To his immense gratitude Kaidan doesn't rule out the possibility, just says he has to “take care of some things first.” 

Shepard stands there, awkwardly, feeling like he should hug the man, or something, give him some indication as to how much he means to him, how happy seeing him up makes him, how much he wishes for him to come back, to aid him in the incredibly huge undertaking of uniting the whole bickering galaxy.

He doesn't, of course. He says he should go, and even if Kaidan laughs at his stock phrase, offered as a joke, it still leaves him feeling lonely. 

At least while Kaidan is in the hospital Shepard knows where he is, knows he's safe. Knows he can visit whenever he is on the Citadel. 

Still, Kaidan is not a fish. He can't be put in an aquarium to be admired, he has to be able to go out and do his own thing, make his own way. 

After all, if he was only decorative, something to be looked after, Shepard wouldn't love him so much.

\- - -

Love. A concept he became acquainted with only later in life. 

Love is what he had with Tricia, a love of a family member for another. Love of a lost child to another. 

Love is what he felt on _the Normandy_ , again, a love for a family, brothers and sisters in arms. 

Love is what he feels for Kaidan. He called it friendship wrapped up in lust but... it's bigger than that, maybe it always was. They are friends, nothing will diminish that. He also desires the other man so badly it robs him of sleep. 

But there's more. He wants to protect him from everything while at the same time wants him to have the chance to go out and make his own mark in the world. He doesn't only want to protect, he wants to support. He wants to be supported. He wants to have the other man in his life, for as long as his second chance lasts, and... putting all of that together, what else can it be but this elusive thing he has never quite grasped? 

It's exhilarating but also painful and scary. 

It's scary to think that he might never get any closer than he is. 

It's almost scarier to think the other man might return his affection.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Dialogue from the game, some of it modified.

Kaidan leans on the wall, aiming for a casual pose while he waits for Shepard to return to the _Normandy_. He glances at the ship through the window. It looks so alike the ship he first saw three years ago. So much of what really seems to matter in his life is tied to that one vessel.

Or maybe it's more fair to say... to one man. The ship's commander.

Shepard, who he could swear almost shot him.

Just when he has been trying to come to terms with the fact he might be falling for the man he is forced into an armed confrontation with him and... and Kaidan knows he's still too much of a romantic fool to have been able to pull the trigger on him. Even if he was a Cerberus agent.

Even if everything from the moment he came back from the dead had been a lie.

And... just as he has decided to, maybe, go for it, to say something, because Shepard might not be opposed to the idea of something more between them... this happens.

He can't wrap his head around it. He should be worried about Cerberus trying to take over the Citadel, of Udina turning traitor, should mourn Thane, whom he got to know in the hospital a bit... but the only thing he is hung up on is his confrontation with Shepard.

Of pointing a gun at the man he... the man he... 

The man who is standing before him, in the doorway, and must he look so happy to see him?

“Kaidan! Hey, I wondered where you went.”

“I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened,” he says, pushing himself off the wall and taking a few steps towards Shepard. “If I hadn't backed down first... I feel like you would have taken me out.”

Shepard's answer is instant, ringing with confidence, and balm to his bruised soul. “Never.”

“Okay. That's... okay.”

“I don't want to think about what might have happened,” Shepard says. “The main thing is we stopped Cerberus.”

“And... Udina?”

“I did what I had to do, you know that. If I hadn't taken the shot, you would have. Any soldier would.”

“Look, Shepard, that's not the only reason I'm here. Hackett offered me a position.”

Shepard seems to draw to attention, as if braced against his words. That decides it for him, and he goes on.

“I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the _Normandy_ again.”

The bright smile that slowly grows on Shepard's face is an answer in itself.

“Couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you,” Shepard says, offering his hand.

“Thank you, Commander,” Kaidan says, shaking it. How has he ever touched that man without thinking about how much more he wants of that touch?

“I need you to know... I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back,” he vows.

“Welcome aboard, Major.”

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/ME3_3_zps884e26fd.jpg.html)


	19. Chapter 19

Shepard stands in front of the mirror and fusses with the collar of his leather jacket. 

Kaidan asked him out. 

Okay, it could just be a lunch between friends. He's still worth a little effort and... is it too much? It's just jeans and an N7 leather jacket he hasn't worn before. He looks different from usual, and that's what he wants. He wants it to be special. 

Just in case. 

Kaidan asked him out.

\- - -

It's still hours until they are supposed to meet but Shepard is going crazy, pacing his cabin. Didn't Garrus say something about doing something together? Maybe he could look him up on the Citadel. A few drinks might be just the thing to relax him.

\- - -

Okay, he did not see this coming. 

But maybe playdates with Turians on top of the Presidium aren't so bad, especially if he gets to trash the said Turian thoroughly in sniping. Even if he doesn't have the Black Widow he has been admiring at the Spectre requisitions yet, there still isn't a universe where he couldn't outshoot Garrus Vakarian.

The camaraderie and shared laughter keeps him relaxed until he reaches Apollo's Cafe. He's early but he can see Kaidan at the table already, and suddenly he's nervous again. 

Okay, what's the worst case scenario? This is a lunch between friends. In what universe is that a bad thing? 

In the universe where he is madly in love with said friend, maybe.

He takes a deep breath, runs his fingers down the side of his face where the scars used to be, and walks to the table. Kaidan is in his uniform. 

Well, it's quite likely he hasn't even got civilian clothing on board the _Normandy_ so Shepard decides not to take that as a sign of anything. Kaidan looks at his clothes but doesn't say anything, just smiles and greets him like a friend he's happy to see. Shepard can't decide whether that is a good sign or not.

They chat about drinks, and place their order. Kaidan reminisces about his home, and Shepard can see him almost physically force himself to shake the negative thoughts off. 

“The Reapers aren't the only thing keeping me up at night,” Kaidan confesses, and seems to take a bracing breath himself. 

And there it is. It's a date, and the ball is in his court. Kaidan wants... something more, something deeper, with someone he already cares about, and it's, wow, it's everything, but it's also so tentative he can't exactly go declaring his undying love. 

Can he?

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/date_zps6531ec99.jpg.html)

“I... have been thinking that it would be... nice to have... someone to turn to when things get grim. I want to have someone... to live for. To love,” he admits, eyes on the table top.

“Someone?” Kaidan asks, quietly, and he turns to meet his eyes.

“You, Kaidan,” he says, smiling slightly. “I want... I've wanted that with you.”

They smile, getting lost in each other's eyes until the waiter interrupts them, bringing their drinks, and they lean back, laughing, relaxed and happy.

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/date2_zps8ceb8e1c.jpg.html)


	20. Chapter 20

They make their way back to the _Normandy_ slowly, seeming to slow down more the closer they get to the ship. Shepard is loath to let go of the intimacy of their date – on the ship he has to remember their ranks, their duties, and different parts of their history. 

On the ship he will have to remember all that time as just friends and co-workers, and he will become more self-conscious about the flirting, about all of it.

Inevitably, they reach their destination, but Shepard is still unwilling to let go. They board and make their way towards the elevator, and while waiting for it he asks Kaidan up to his cabin. 

“We can talk more,” he says, smiling, and that is honestly the only thing he is thinking about. Talking. 

Kaidan smiles back and says yes. They step into the elevator... and suddenly the mood shifts. The air seems charged, and it's not just the static charges of a biotic touching metal. Shepard finds himself shooting looks at Kaidan from the corner of his eye, and feels like a teenager on his first date. 

He never dated as a teenager, though. Maybe if he had, this would be easier. 

What the hell are they doing, anyway? Kaidan admitted to not having been in an actual relationship in ages, and the implication was for never, and he... He hasn't even been capable of sex for more than a decade, much less have any experience of being in a relationship. How the hell are they supposed to do this? 

And how is he supposed to deal with requited interest? The mere idea that Kaidan – Kaidan! – wants this, him, too, is... it's almost as huge as the war. Which he doesn't want to remember right now.

They step out of the elevator, side by side, and... come to a halt by his door. It feels awkward, like he can imagine it would feel, walking a girl (or a boy) home after a school dance, or what ever the clichéd image is. 

It also feels dangerous, in a “we're one step away from changing everything” way, and suddenly he is so very aware of the body next to him, not just the person inhabiting it. The very masculine, well-formed body he has been lusting after for years, and he can feel the heat radiating off the other man, and is the first date way too soon to jump his bones?

Their eyes meet, and Kaidan is right there with him. Nervous, determined, but with heat in his gaze, and Shepard leans in, not letting himself second-guess himself. 

He expects to be self-conscious about this, too, fears over-thinking it, wondering if it will be too weird to kiss a friend, as if maybe he is being graded... 

It's not like that at all. It's nothing like he expected. The heat is the first thing he notices, Kaidan's biotic metabolism making his body temperature that much higher than his, and then it's a different kind of heat altogether, the electric charge of pure arousal spreading into his body. 

A light touch of lips, and he's ready to beg for more. He can't help himself, he opens his mouth to taste the lips he has dreamt about, and then Kaidan opens his and their tongues meet, and holy hell, first kisses are not supposed to be like this in real life. They are supposed to be awkward and tender, and not pure sex.

Kaidan leans into the kiss, wrapping his arms around him, hands on his back. His own hands find their way into the other man's hair, mussing the locks, keeping his head in just the right angle to deepen the kiss. 

It's intoxicating – every bit as good as he had hoped and then some. He can't remember ever having been so turned on so fast just from kissing. He turns them so that Kaidan's back is against the door, crowding him, pinning him in place with his body and moaning into the kiss when their erections slide against each other, unable to stop the undulating motion of his hips. 

He fumbles for the door control and they almost fall into his cabin, but battle trained reflexes save them, hardly breaking the kiss. He tries to remember his goal – he has a bed, or a sofa, something soft, horizontal... but it's hard to concentrate when Kaidan is pushing him against the wall now, lips travelling from his mouth to his neck, sucking and licking, biting down none too gently, and he moans again. He slips his hands down Kaidan's back to his wonderful, inviting ass, kneading and pushing their lower bodies even closer.

He tears his hands off, and uses them to pull Kaidan's face back so that he can meet his eyes. They are dark and smouldering, and for a second he forgets what he was doing.

“Are you sure,” he says, then stops to clear his throat as his voice sounds deeper than usual, almost as husky as Kaidan's. “Are you sure this isn't too fast?”

Kaidan smiles, a happy, intimate smile he has never seen before but wants to see every day from now on. “We've known each other for over three years,” he says. “That's hardly fast.”

“Like you were thinking about doing this three years ago.”

“And you were?” Kaidan teases.

He doesn't know how to respond, and Kaidan pulls back a little more. 

“Shepard?”

Shepard only looks at him, wondering how much to reveal this early in the game.

“Really?”

He smiles, just a little. “Well, you do fill up that battle armour really nicely. And you know how to comport yourself in a battlefield. That's very appealing to a soldier.”

“I... didn't know.”

“Good. The Alliance rather frowns on things like that.”

“Shepard...” Kaidan looks almost distressed, and he pulls him closer for a soft kiss, the earlier hunger tamed for the moment. 

“It's okay. It's not like I've been pining for you for years. After all, I was out of action for almost two, so that leaves only the one...”

Kaidan opens his mouth, but then closes it, obviously deciding to not repeat his name again. It would have been okay, Shepard rather enjoys hearing this even huskier version of his name on his lips.

“I'm sorry I didn't realise it sooner,” Kaidan says.

“It's not like we could have done anything before you had the Spectre position to protect you.”

“Yeah, like the whole mutiny thing where we stole the _Normandy_ to go to Ilos couldn't have ended badly.”

“That I'm prepared to risk your safety to save the galaxy is a bit different from risking your safety to...” he bites back the crude description and takes a deep breath to calm down. 

“Up until the point you asked me out I didn't even know you'd be receptive to the idea. And even the date could have just been friendly, so... I wasn't going to say anything first.” He wonders if that makes it sound like he was trying to put all the pressure on Kaidan. “I wasn't going to risk making things awkward between us. I didn't... couldn't stand the idea you might... leave. One Horizon is enough for a lifetime. Well, technically, in my case, two lifetimes. One Mars, too, come to think of it, so if you could avoid dying, I would be very happy.”

“Shepard... you're babbling.”

“I am, aren't I? Can we go back to the kissing?”

“I think... I think we should talk.”

“Less than two hours and I already screwed it up?”

Kaidan laughs at that, and the happy smile is back. “No, definitely not. Let's sit down, okay?”

They disentangle their bodies and walk towards the sofa, and Shepard is glad to note Kaidan walks so close to him they might as well still be embracing.

“I just think we need to talk about where we're going,” Kaidan says after they have sat down. “Or rather, after that, I need to tell you that this is not a whim. I have... thought about it. Maybe not three years but... Mars made me realise that it's not a new thing. I just hadn't recognised it. I think... I think that's why Horizon was so bad. Why I felt like you had betrayed _me_ , personally. Maybe that's why I didn't even give you a chance to explain. I know I've apologised for it before, and that we talked about it but... I'm sorry I hurt you. I... didn't even realise how much, before.”

“It was... bad. And yes, the fact that I... like you made it worse. But I can't claim that I couldn't see it from your point of view. I just wish I could have explained. To have someone in my corner. I was surrounded by Cerberus people, and... Chakwas, Joker, people who I could have sworn to you would never leave the Alliance were there, happily working for a terrorist organisation that was responsible for Akuze, and for a while it felt like I had woken up in an alternate reality. You were the first link to my old life, and I wanted to hold on to that so badly... I shouldn't have asked you to come with me. But I couldn't not. I'm sorry I put you in that position. And then, when you sent me that message... you have no idea how much you helped me, through those messages.”

“I'm sorry I ever doubted you.”

“If I really had had that control chip Miranda wanted in my head, I would have been damned happy that you were cautious. I could have been anything.”

“But you're you. I'm sorry for Mars, too. It had just... been so long, and then the whole thing with Earth... Having you back, being back on the _Normandy_... it just felt too good to be true. Even under the circumstances.”

“I was just happy to have you by my side again. I wanted you to to trust me so bad, I may have... been a bit irritable.”

“No. You were patient and reasonable, whereas I...”

“We could argue that point for hours. I'm just happy to have you back on the _Normandy_ where you belong.”

“The _Normandy_ , your true love,” Kaidan says, grinning, quoting Jacob Taylor. 

“Shows what he knows,” Shepard mutters, then, worried he said too much, pulls Kaidan closer for a kiss. “Are we done with the talk now?” 

“I just... I know it's too soon for promises but I just wanted you to know... I'm not in this lightly. I know what I want. And that's more than just a lay.”

“Or a steak sandwich?” He grins, then gets up to find them something to drink as they are obviously not done with this talking thing. He shrugs off his leather jacket on the way.

“I didn't tell you how nice you looked, did I?” Kaidan asks, leaning back on his arms and raking his eyes over Shepard's body, which he knows the tight jeans and even tighter t-shirt are showing off to its advantage.

“Hey, you asked me out, I figured you were worth dressing up.”

The smile leaves Kaidan's face. “Even if it had only been... as friends?”

“Even if,” he replies, then grins. “Had to show you what you were missing.”

“Also, an N7 leather jacket, really?”

“I lost all my belongings when the first _Normandy_ was destroyed. After I... came back, everything I owned was provided by Cerberus. I was damned if I was going to wear their logo voluntarily. So when I gave myself and the ship over to the Alliance, they provided me with everything. I'm just glad someone felt I still had the right to carry the N7 designation. But no, I didn't know they provided... did you know that they actually stock a pleather miniskirt for women? I think the leather jacket is tame compared to that.”

The earlier desperation is on a back burner now, the arousal still there, but contained – for now. Might as well take their time, the _Normandy_ scheduled to stay in port for the rest of the day.

“It's not Canadian lager,” he says, picking up a bottle of red wine, “but not Batarian shard wine either, so...”

“I'll take it.”

They sip their drinks, chatting about this and that. Nothing as enormous as Horizon or Mars, but then Kaidan asks what it was like, waking up after two years.

“They weren't done with me, but the station was under attack so they had to wake me up sooner than they meant to. I was literally thrown in the middle of a fire fight, not knowing where I was or why. My last memories were of the _Normandy_ breaking apart, and getting sucked into space... the panic of losing air... I remember _knowing_ I was dying, and thinking... at least you were safe. And you would keep the others safe. I could die with my ship.”

“Shepard...”

“I'm okay.”

“But I need a hug,” Kaidan says, lightly, and pulls Shepard closer. He goes without resistance, and rests his head on the other man's shoulder. He doesn't know if it really is for Kaidan's benefit or his, but it does make him feel better. 

“When I learned it was Cerberus... I just wanted to fly into the nearest Alliance base and arrest them all. They told me about the missing colonies, and I couldn't believe the Alliance wasn't doing anything. So they let me come to the Citadel, to meet with Anderson... and they were telling the truth. And Anderson wouldn't tell me where you were,” he says, even if it makes him sound pathetic.

“I had no idea about that at the time. He didn't even tell me he'd seen you.”

“So I did what I had to. I took their resources, collected my own team, and took the bastards down.”

“And you walked away with their best ship, their best people, and turned yourself and them over to the Alliance.”

“I needed to make them listen to the warnings about the Reapers.”

“And here we are.”

“And here we are.”

“Commander?”

“Yes, Major?”

“Take me to bed.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the world ends today, at least this is a good place to end the story;)
> 
> If it doesn't, more tomorrow!

“Take me to bed.”

The insecurity is back, just for a moment. Is he going to be enough? Can he concentrate on the now without letting the past intrude, can he make it good enough to make Kaidan want to stay? Is he...

But then their lips meet again, tentative only for a second before the hunger takes over, and his blood is singing the pulsing rhythm of “finally, finally” within his body.

Kaidan's hands are under his t-shirt, stroking the skin of his back and raising goosebumps over his flesh. He struggles with the tight uniform shirt the other man has on, needing to get to his skin, to finally touch all that was on show in the hospital.

He wants everything at the same time, so it's hard to decide where to put his hands first. He finds the buckles and catches and manages to open the shirt, then pull it off the other man's body, and finally, finally he gets to run his hands over all that skin, follow the trail with his lips, and Kaidan is tugging at his shirt so he pulls back just enough to allow him to pull it off.

He looks at Kaidan's face, and can't help but kiss him again, mouth open, tongue tracing over his lips, catching on his teeth, and he's drowning in it, the sensations, the feelings, and he needs more, closer, now.

Without breaking the kiss he stands up, pulling Kaidan with him, and just a few steps get them to the bed. He concentrates and manages to toe off his shoes, but Kaidan is wearing his boots, so he pushes him to sit on the edge of the bed before kneeling down in front of him to help him remove them.

He feels the lack of skin on skin the second he lets go, and misses Kaidan's heat instantly. He is so going to get addicted to him, to this, and fuck if he cares. 

Kaidan doesn't seem to care about his boots because he pulls Shepard's face closer to him, and takes advantage of the fact their heads are almost on level to kiss him again, and Shepard forgets about the boots, too, wrapping his arms around his waist, and Kaidan moves so that he can move closer in between his knees.

Shepard groans, pulling away. “Need you,” he gets out, gasping, and screw the boots, he's reaching for Kaidan's zip instead. 

He makes short work of the belt, button, zip, mouthing the other man through his standard Alliance issue black briefs and Kaidan lies down on the bed, raising his lower body to help him get rid of the pants. His booted feet are still on the ground, and Shepard pulls the pants down just far enough to get to his target. 

Shepard has sucked a lot of cock during his life. He's good at it, was good at it by the time he turned ten, and it took him a long time to want to do it for someone without being paid. He loves receiving, though, so felt it unfair to take but not give. He soon learned that it did make a difference, caring about the pleasure he is giving, caring about other things besides getting it over as quickly as possible.

It's even more different now that he cares about the person attached to the cock as well. It makes it even more important to make it good, and screw fast, he wants it to last, wants Kaidan to go on making those sounds, his hands finding their way to fist the blanket when they fail to find purchase in his short hair.

It's perfect – just the right size to get a proper grip at the base, smooth foreskin pulling back easily the let his mouth dance over the sensitive underside, not too big that it hurts his jaw, but thick enough that the mere thought of getting fucked by him sends shivers down his back. 

He wants it all, wants to suck and be sucked, fuck and be fucked, taste every inch of his skin he can reach, and maybe they can't do all of that during just one night but at least that leaves plenty for later. 

Later. Shepard doesn't ever remember having sex with someone, and planning future nights with them, even wanting a repeat performance is rare for him.

Kaidan has broken through so many of his walls this should hardly come as a surprise. 

Kaidan's hands are on his head again, insistent. “Stop, you gotta... too much, I'm gonna...”

Oh. Well, he doesn't want it to be over that fast. He swirls his tongue around the head one more time before raising his head, licking his lips. He's only ever tolerated the taste, but again, with Kaidan... he could get addicted to this, too.

He finally finishes removing those boots, and pulls the pants rest of the way off, and Kaidan uses the opportunity to pull himself fully on the bed. Eyes raking over his beautifully formed body Shepard removes the rest of his own clothes.

He wants to say something, tell the other man how incredible he looks in his bed, but the all the words he can come up with sound too inadequate.

Three years. He's been waiting three years for the chance to see this man on his bed, and dammit, it was worth the wait. Hard muscle, beautifully formed limbs, a few scars he's waiting to kiss, a beautiful cock, glistening from his saliva, all his for the taking.

He returns his gaze back to his face, the intensity of his expression matching the way he feels. He wants to say the words so bad, but it's too soon, too fast, he doesn't want to make this awkward, and he could come from just looking at the man, thinking about how his body will feel against his, thinking about everything they could do.

Kaidan raises his hand in invitation, and Shepard crawls on the bed, finally, lying on top of him, touching from head to toe, and fuck, the heat of his body is incredible, the tingling electricity everywhere they touch, and he has to kiss him again.

Kaidan tastes like desperation, teeth nipping at his lips, his tongue, mouths as open as they get, trying to get closer, deeper, tongue against tongue, against palate, stubble against stubble and it should burn, maybe it does, but everything burns, there is no way to know where pain ends and pleasure begins, and he wants it all.

Kaidan turns them around, a sneaky move to get on top, and pulls back, looking down on him, and his face, surrounded by the stars from his ridiculous viewscreen is the most beautiful sight Shepard has ever seen. He lifts his hand to trace his features and Kaidan closes his eyes, leaning into the touch and for a second, the burning desire doesn't matter, it doesn't exist, all there is is this man, and the love he can feel for him through all of his body. 

The only way to stop the words is to engage his mouth so he rises his head to mouth at his chest, and yeah, okay, that's not exactly a sacrifice, and he licks along the clavicle, down to his nipple, sucking on it until Kaidan is moaning again, and the way he writhes rubs their cocks against each other in a very distracting manner, and great minds think alike, because they both reach down, fighting to get a grip, spreading pre-come and eliciting gasps and moans.

He wants more, he wants to make it last longer, but this is it, it's too much, they can't hold back now, and they move until they can get the angle right, the pressure right, and Shepard is thrusting against Kaidan who is meeting him push for push, gaining speed, and what they lack in rhythm they make up in enthusiasm, and then Kaidan bites down on his neck, low, just where it joins his shoulder, and he comes with a shout.

He's whole body tout and arching off the bed, breath stuck on his throat, the warmth starting from the middle and radiating all the way to his fingers and toes, and his hand tightens around Kaidan and then he is coming as well, a fresh burst of wetness coating their hands and bellies and then there is only the sound of harsh breaths, heavy weight resting on him, and the peace Shepard feels is a revelation on its own.

He wraps both his arms around Kaidan, trembling in aftershocks, and the other man buries his face against his neck, and suddenly he realises how sweaty they both are, and he'd be getting cold right about now if not for the human radiator glued to his front.

Again he bites his lip to keep the words in. But the way Kaidan holds him close, closer, and doesn't make a move to get away... maybe he already knows.


	22. Chapter 22

Waking up is something Shepard has learned not to take for granted. Waking up means he's still alive. Waking up means he actually fell asleep. Waking up next to Kaidan is new, but something he wishes to get used to. 

The sex had actually been worth the three year wait. He smiles, looking at the peaceful face on the pillow next to his. Kaidan is lying on his side, his hand resting on Shepard's waist, and more than anything Shepard wants to kiss him awake, revisit the spots he found last night, those that made him gasp, those that made him moan. 

He wants to see his eyes, to know he doesn't regret it. Wants to see that happy smile that is just for him, only because he can't think of a better way to start the day. 

But he knows he needs to get up, to go over their flight plan with Joker, to go meet with Traynor about her report, to meet with Chakwas and Adams. Go be the CO of Normandy, instead of Kaidan's boyfriend. Lover. Whatever. 

The other man is sleeping so peacefully he can't make himself wake him, especially since he knows he doesn't have the time to do it properly. He moves the hand pressing him to the bed carefully, and inches off the bed. He looks at his “date clothes” on the floor and grins. Totally worth it.

His Alliance blues go just high enough to cover the bite mark on his neck, and was Kaidan really thinking about things like that last night? He knows he wasn't, didn't give a damn if his body was littered with proof of their activities and he really should care, if not for his own sake then at least for Kaidan's. 

\- - -

It's hours until he has a moment to himself. He thinks about asking EDI for Kaidan's location but thinks better of it – he doesn't want to make anyone pay too much attention to them. Yes, there is a war on, yes, they are both Spectres, but this is an Alliance ship and they are Alliance officers – knowing about them would mean the others would have to consciously keep it a secret and he doesn't want to put anyone in that position. 

He finds Kaidan reading in the port observation deck, and can't help the smile that turns wider when he sees him. Kaidan smiles back, and his quiet worries die a quick death. No one who regrets things smiles like that. 

“I just thought I'd... check in.”

“I'm glad.”

Shepard wants to kiss him, but is hesitant – his cabin may be off-limits for EDI but no other part of the ship is, and anyone wanting a book could walk in any time. 

“You left without waking me,” Kaidan says softly.

“I didn't have the heart.”

“Aw, thanks,” he says, smile widening into the one he wants to see, the happy one. “But next time? Wake me.”

Next time. Are those the most beautiful words in the English language? “Next time I'll wake up earlier so that I'll have time to... wake you up.”

“Deal.”

“Are you busy?” he asks, aiming for nonchalance, but Kaidan's grin says he missed by miles. 

“Do I look busy?”

“Want to help me feed my fish?”

\- - - 

 

“So... is this a good time to ask about the tattoo?” Kaidan says, lightly, head on his shoulder, hand running lazy circles on his stomach.

Shepard loves it, the familiarity such an action presents, the level of comfort in each other's bodies after such a short time.

He looks down at the other man, trying to gauge his mood – is he really that nonchalant about it? He doesn't think he could be as calm about finding someone else's name on a lover's skin. 

“How much have I told you about my life before the Alliance?” he asks, quietly.

Kaidan moves to prop himself up on his elbow, and meets his gaze seriously.

“Just that you were an orphan, trying to survive in the streets.”

“There is... so much I have to tell you about that time.”

“But you don't. Not unless you want to. If and when you do, I am here.”

“I... wish I could trust that you will be, even after I'm done,” he says, quietly, sitting up. He probably should have told him this sooner. 

“You're worrying me, Shepard. Nothing you can tell me will make me want to leave. Nothing you have done, not the people you have been – nothing. Maybe it's too soon, but that is a promise I am willing to make.”

“Even if I tell you... what I did to survive?”

Kaidan sits up as well, unhesitatingly wrapping his arms around him from behind, and resting his head on his shoulder.

“What ever you had to do to survive, you're here now. With me.”

“Even if I tell you... I used to suck cock to pay for the next meal?”

“You survived.”

“Right after I was left alone at five?”

The arms around him tighten, and he can feel a sharp intake of breath. Then, after a few deep breaths, a much lower voice. “God, Shepard...”

He tries to move away, but Kaidan's grip doesn't loosen. 

“Your strength never stops amazing me.”

What? 

“To survive that... to become the saviour of the galaxy? I want to find a way to travel back in time to be there for you, to kill every last son of a bitch taking advantage of you, but I know... I know you didn't need that. Didn't need anyone to play hero for you. You _survived_ , Shepard. And you didn't let any of that hold you back.”

“But I did. It... did leave its marks. I was... yeah, I was alone for a long time. I was small, from lack of food, and... I had to learn to fight dirty or submit to survive. So I did. I did everything and anything I needed to to survive, without a thought to why I was trying to. Then... I met Tric.”

He raises his hands to rest on Kaidan's, still wrapped around his chest, and lets his head bend down. 

“She was thirteen, a runaway from a good home. You remember when the people from Conatix Industries showed up behind your door? Well... she ran away.”

“Jesus. Instead of Brain Camp she ended up selling herself in the streets?”

“No. Never. She never needed to, I... I took care of her.”

“Shepard...”

“I was... ten, maybe? We found each other, and we took care of each other after that. I taught her how to survive the streets, and she taught me to dream about a future.”

“She was... I didn't even have the words for it back then. I'd never had _anyone_ , not after my mother died, and I hardly remembered her. You grow pragmatic in the streets – if it's cold, you sleep next to another warm body. But it was only ever about physical warmth. She's the one who taught me... touch could make you feel good on the inside, too.” 

He holds on to Kaidan's hand, then lifts it to his mouth for a quick kiss. “It was never like this, though. She was like a sister. Someone I could protect, someone I could care about.” 

There is more to it, of course there is, but he doesn't want to taint the precious night any further. 

“She taught me to read. On a stolen pad, in abandoned buildings, and that was the first time I learned about the world, all the possibilities. It's because of her I started to dream about getting away. When I enlisted, she said she'd go home, and... and I've never seen her since. And when I left I knew I wouldn't. So when I noticed she had left a message for me... I wanted to make it permanent.”

Kaidan pulls him back to lie down on the bed again, then sits back up. While Shepard looks, he bends down to kiss the text on his thigh, so gently that Shepard would almost class it as... reverent. 

“I'm so grateful for her,” he whispers. “I wish I could tell her that.”

Shepard smiles, his eyes feeling dry and hot. If he hadn't known he loved this man already, he would fall that second.

“Thank you,” he whispers in return, and hugs the older man close. 

“For what?”

“For understanding. For not wanting to get out. For... I don't know, making me feel like I can tell you... about things I've never told anyone.”

“Any time, Shepard.”

They lie in silence for a while, Shepard enjoying the rare feeling of another body close to his, and while closeness after sex has always been something he'd avoid like plague, always leaving as soon as his needs were satisfied, he now finds himself craving it, this, this warmth that is not just physical. 

“Do you ever think about... finding Rahna?” he asks, hesitantly, not sure if that's crossing a line of acceptable pillow talk.

Apparently not, as Kaidan only sighs and cuddles closer.

“Yeah... and no. There's the obvious – she wouldn't want to see me. Then there's the fact that people who you knew a long ago are bound to be different, and you can be disappointed, and... I don't know. I just felt it was better to close that door for good. That said... I used to care about her a lot. I want to know she survived all that without it ruining her life. I want to know what happened to her, if she is happy. You know?”

“Yeah. I... I want to know that Tricia's happy, too. Maybe it's better not knowing, so that I can pretend she is.”

“Yeah.”

They lie in silence for a while, then Kaidan raises his head to look at his face. “Wait, she's the sister you told me about, before we landed on Ilos. The one you read Shakespeare with.”

“That's her.”

“You read Shakespeare on a stolen pad, while squatting in abandoned buildings. After she taught you to read.”

“Yes.”

“You know, that explains so much about you.”


	23. Chapter 23

Kaidan can't get rid of the helpless rage and fear he felt down on the planet. Not even the usual post-mission shower manages to relax him in the least. Maybe if it wasn't alone, in the communal showers...

He wants to lock himself in Shepard's cabin, with Shepard, and either yell at him until he goes hoarse, or hold him close until he can stop being afraid and believe the infuriating man is alive, survived _facing a Reaper on foot_ , or some combination of the two. 

So what he does, is play poker with Vega. There are things Shepard must do, meetings he must attend with the quarians and the geth, help Tali get settled on board, report to Hackett... And he can't be close to the man right now. Not in public. Not even if his presence was required, which is isn't, so... poker. 

His thoughts are elsewhere, though, and he keeps losing. When Shepard shows up, dressed in his civvies, he's holding his first good hand in a good while, a flush he made on the river. Of course the sneaky Lieutenant has a full house. Because.

He turns to look at Shepard, keeping his mind purposefully on the game but the other man is buzzing with excitement, and Kaidan can see his thoughts are not on the negotiations. 

“Totally took down a Reaper,” he says, playing along.

“Yuh. Sure did,” Shepard says, the fierce joy of accomplishing the near impossible – targeting a Reaper _on foot_ so that the fleet could take it out – burning in his eyes.

“Yes, you did,” says James, grinning.

“Hell yeah,” says Shepard, his grin breaking loose.

Kaidan wants to hit them both with a biotic charge. 

“Yeah, let's talk later,” is what he says, and that's what he's thinking about. Talking. Or, possibly, yelling.

But when Shepard's grin fails to die, and he invites Kaidan up to his cabin after the game to... talk... Well. His thoughts, and blood, go somewhere quite different.

\- - -

“You bastard,” are the first words out of Kaidan's mouth as he enters the cabin. 

Shepard just grins from his seat. 

“Talk, indeed. I've been half hard ever since and had to wait for Vega to leave before me!”

“Would you like me to make it up for you?”

“Hell yes.”

“Anything particular you had in mind?” Shepard asks solicitously, standing up and walking to him slowly. He feels like a conquering hero after what they accomplished down on Rannoch, and he intends to celebrate like one. 

“Actually, yes. I want you to fuck me.”

All the traces of humour abandon Shepard in a second, and he _wants_ with his whole body, so bad, that he has to bite his lip to keep the whimper in.

It's Kaidan's turn to grin. “You like that, huh.”

Shepard can't get a word out of his mouth. He pulls the still grinning man closer, and proceeds to kiss the grin off his face, attacking his clothes with determination.

“You have no idea,” he gasps against his skin. “How long I have waited to hear you say that.”

“What, fuck me?” 

He groans, the words themselves an incredibly potent turn on, an echo of his dreams. Conquering hero, indeed.

It's still too new, too desperate, especially now, to even think about taking his time, but Shepard is never, ever, careless with his lovers, and especially not with Kaidan, so he has to ask.

“I assume you've done this before,” he says, not quite a question because one thing Kaidan hasn't been is shy in bed.

But it makes the other man pull back slightly. His hands are still on Shepard's waist, working the belt, so he doesn't worry about the reaction unduly but still... “Kaidan?”

“Well... not sober,” he says, and gives him the small one-sided smile. “And not for years.”

Shepard moves his hands from where they have been working on Kaidan's shirt to his face, tilting it to meet his gaze. “You know we don't have to.”

“I asked, didn't I? I want to, hell, I want to, I'm just saying.... It's been a while. You know me. I don't find it easy to... connect. To... be with people. So most of my sexual experience is one night stands, during shore leave, drunk enough to...”

“Yeah,” Shepard says, pulling him close for a deep kiss. “I can relate. Especially on the one night stands bit. But...”

“No buts,” Kaidan says, kissing him again.

“I thought that was the point?” Shepard asks, grinning into the next kiss, slipping his hands under Kaidan's waistband to squeeze his butt.

“No puns in bed.”

“How about buns?”

“I will leave, just watch me.”

\- - -

It's incredible how the desire for the other man can bypass all his other feelings, Kaidan thinks. All that frustrated anger and here he is, laughing and joking and kissing with the infuriating, insufferable, insufferably sexy man, thinking only of his body, of what it can do, how it can make him feel, all anger gone, transformed into lust.

Well, it's an affirmation of life of sorts, he supposes as they fall on the bed, naked and entwined, wrestling until they are both fully on the bed, kissing and biting, humour taking back seat to passion again.

Then he's manoeuvred on his front, with Shepard kissing his way down his back, biting gently down on his ass, and... he bites the pillow to keep the howl in.

\- - -

There's one thing Shepard has never done, not for money and not for pleasure, and hearing Kaidan's reaction, he can't think of a reason why. 

He did say he wanted to kiss every square inch of the man, so kissing and nibbling his way down his back, down to the lovely ass he is going to be in in a short while... He licks down the crack, whirling around the puckered entrance into his body, and dips his tongue in.

He's known what it feels like but has never felt the need to reciprocate. Maybe it's only fitting that there is one thing he left for this man alone, because there is precious little else he can say are only his, sexually speaking. 

Emotionally again...

Well, maybe he shouldn't think about hearts and flowers while his tongue is inside another man's body, and not in the usual hole, either, but he has never felt as close to anyone else in his life, and this, feeling the tremors of pleasure running through the other man, hearing the soft gasps and moans that escape him, he can't think of a reason to stop.

It's weird, of course, just because he's never rimmed anyone before – his tongue is not used to the action, his jaws stretching in a way not unlike to giving a blowjob and yet completely unlike it, saliva dripping down his chin onto the sheets. 

It's soft, and hot – in both meanings of the word – and although he had vague ideas of doing it just to relax the other man, to prepare him for the main course, he finds himself enjoying the process itself much more than he expected, much beyond his endurance, and his tongue gets tired, his jaw gets tired, and Kaidan is shaking now, twitching every time his tongue hits the right spot, and he pulls back, almost reluctantly.

He reaches for the lube on the bedside table, arranged a while ago, in the rush of hope Kaidan's lunch invitation created, and coats his fingers liberally with the clear gel, slipping two inside the other man, and he moans again.

“Come on, Shepard,” he gets out between moans, but Shepard knows two fingers are not enough, not when he is this tight, and runs his left hand soothingly down his side. 

“I don't want to hurt you,” he says, adding a third finger, slowly twisting them in and out of his body.

“Please,” he says, sounding so wrecked Shepard has to close his eyes and take a deep breath to control his own intense urge to just claim the man, right now.

It's a litany now, _please_ and his name, and Kaidan is thrusting against the mattress and damn it, he can't look at him, listen to him, without wanting, right now, and he removes his fingers to the disappointed sounds from Kaidan, and grabs the lube to spread some over his own aching erection before guiding the other man to kneel on the bed, and finally, slowly, pushing in.

Hot. Tight. But not too tight, and slowly, slowly until he is in as far as he can go, and he has to fight against the instinct to pull back, to push in, to fuck into the man with all the desperate need buzzing under his skin. He has to give him the chance to get used to the pressure, the intrusion, and then Kaidan is moving under him, moaning into the pillow, and he can't not move, can't not...

His own breathing sounds harsh in his ears, sweat pouring down his face, sides, back, hands slipping on Kaidan's sweaty skin, fingers still stained with lube, and still Kaidan's moans encourage him to move faster, deeper, closer, closer, closer, and he moves his hand to wrap around Kaidan's cock, jerking him in tandem with his movements, and it's perfect, it's everything, it's too damn good, and he is coming, thrusting deeper still, and Kaidan is yelling, coming all over his fingers, and for a moment everything freezes, Shepard not even breathing with the pleasure exploding inside him.

He pulls out, falling inelegantly on the bed and pulling Kaidan close, finding any distance unbearable. Kaidan snuggles closer, face against his neck, and they catch their breath in silence. 

Just as Shepard opens his mouth to say the words he can't fight back any more, feeling this close to another human, to Kaidan, Kaidan says “Thank you” against his skin, and he shuts his mouth, pulls him closer, arms around him, and what he says is, “Thank _you_ ” instead.

They sleep.

\- - - 

When Kaidan wakes up, he feels hot and uncomfortable, but also relaxed and comforted, which is a weird mixture but explained easily by his present conditions. He's in bed with Shepard, limbs entwined, lying on top of the covers, and the dried flakes of come and lube irritate his skin. 

He never wants to move. 

His ass hurts a little after their explosive joining, but he can still feel the peace and the closeness and the love of the after. Shepard loves him. He's as sure of that as he is of the fact he loves Shepard. This is it. This is forever, or as long as they get. This is what he was missing, and never thought to look for. 

He turns his head to wake Shepard for a shower but finds the other man already awake and looking at him with such tenderness and wonder on his face his heart seems to stop beating for a second. Robbed of breath and words he leans closer for a soft kiss, and can feel the other man smile into it.

The pull back, just looking into each others' eyes, smiling softly in the blue light of the aquarium, for a long time.

\- - -

After they finally get up and share a shower it is late enough to justify going back to bed to sleep. There is no question of Kaidan leaving. He sleeps on the observation deck instead of the crew quarters, usually, so no one should pay any attention to his location.

Shepard can't let him go, not now, not after the intensity of what they shared, more than just the sex.

He loves going to bed with the other man, bodies still moist after the shower, gravitating closer, the almost casual touching, the closeness he's never had with another human since Tric. Love. Family. Comfort. Safety. And one day, he will actually find the words to tell Kaidan that.

He feels safe enough to raise a subject they need to address, even if it brings bad memories into the languid peace of the moment. 

“Do you think... you'd like to...” He doesn't know how to say it. _Fucking_ sounds so crude in the silence of the cabin, suddenly, when before it was just arousing. “Take me?” he finishes.

“Only if you want to,” Kaidan says, instantly, “If we never do it the other way round...” He grins. “Hell, I can live with that.”

“I want to,” Shepard says, intently. “I do. I just... I've never...”

“Really?”

“Not as as sex,” he admits, and closes his eyes against the memories. “And I want to... I want to reclaim the act. Make it about something... good. Enjoyable. And... yes, I want you to... I want you.”

Kaidan pulls him closer so that again they are touching from head to toe, a warm space under the blankets, somewhere the past can't touch him, and, comforted by the solid presence of the man beside him, Shepard hides his faces against his neck, and tells him.

He describes the night he went to earn enough money to save Tricia's life, and tells him too much of what he endured, of the marks it left, of how he vowed never to do it again. Tells him about discovering sex after Akuze, of his string of drunken one night stands, of learning how the act might be, and...

“I want that. I want to feel what you feel. I want you to feel what I feel. I want to give you that, and for you to give me that. And I know I sound like a character from a romance vid but I don't care.” His attempt at humour falls flat, and Kaidan's hand on the side of his face encourages him to raise his head to look at the other man.

There is no disgust on his face, no censure.

“I'd be honoured. Any time you want, you know that, Shepard. Anything you want, any time you want.”

They exchange a few soft kisses, and just as the tenderness feels like it's going to break Shepard, Kaidan grins, and says, “Well, okay, not during a Council meeting or something.”

Shepard laughs, relieved and happy, and he loves this man so fucking much, for being so damn perfect and goofy and brilliant, and they laugh until he can feel the shadows of his past receding once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Drinking Games](http://archiveofourown.org/series/29241) series happens after this, chronologically. I'll try to add the newest part to that tomorrow as well as the next chapter for this.


	24. Chapter 24

Shepard, being Shepard, did all the right things after the quiet shore party returned to the ship and the _Normandy_ flew the hell out of the Reaper controlled space. He reported to the Asari Councilor, he spoke with Hackett, he even checked on Liara, and it was good that he did, because the yelling she was doing at Javik could be heard all the way in engineering where Kaidan was talking with Adams. 

He took care of all his duties, of everyone else on board... all except himself. Kaidan doesn't know what awaits him when he makes his way to Shepard's cabin. Shepard is usually so good at dealing with stress but this is beyond anything they have ever faced, and he heard the Commander actually snapped at Joker for trying to lift his mood.

Shepard is never anything but professional so it's a little scary to think of him so out of control as that. 

He knocks, then walks in, half expecting to see the cabin trashed, dead fish lying among broken glass and the model ships lying in a heap but the room is as pristine as ever, and its sole occupant is sitting on the sofa, staring into distance.

The only sign of stress are the white knuckles on the tight fists resting on his thighs. 

The green eyes shoot to look at him, and the blank expression turns tight. “Why are you here?”

“In case you want to talk.”

“Talk? Or _talk_?” His voice is almost angry, the words almost cruel, taking their light-hearted code and twisting it into something ugly. 

“What ever you need,” he says calmly, not raising to the bait. 

Shepard gets up from the sofa and stalks to where he is standing in front of the fish tank. His nostrils are flaring, and he is so stiff it looks like he is using considerable energy to hold himself still.

“That depends. How hard can you take it?”

His words send a shiver down Kaidan's spine and it's only partly fear. Apparently, as apprehensive as he is about the prospect of sex with Shepard in his current mood – it will hurt, it will be too much, it will be too much like violence with his control so frayed – a part of him is excited about it. 

That's a bit of a revelation; he wouldn't have thought to be into rough.

“How hard can you give it to me?” he asks, more confident than he really is, but willing to give even this to Shepard if it's what he needs. 

For a moment he thinks Shepard is going to take the offer and slam him against the aquarium, taking him hard and fast and dirty, but again control wins.

Shepard turns away in a violent turn, fisting his hands by his sides, clinging to that control. 

“I won't do that to you.”

Kaidan takes a step forward and raises a hand to rest it on Shepard's back and the other man freezes.

“What _ever_ you need, Shepard. A fight or a fuck, I'm _here_.”

Shepard turns again, pulls Kaidan roughly against him, and that's it, and he isn't actually sure he can go through with it but willing to try for Shepard, and... and Shepard's hands are clinging to his shirt, and his head comes to rest against his neck, and he is trembling.

He wraps his arms around the other man and guides him to the sofa. Shepard comes willingly, face still hidden against Kaidan's neck while the violent sobs shake his body. 

It's ugly, violent, and there is no moisture against Kaidan's neck. Denied even that outlet Shepard cries like a man who hasn't cried in years, maybe decades, and Kaidan keeps him close, running a soothing hand down his back, and tries desperately to come up with the right words. 

“I'm here, sweetheart, I'm here,” he whispers, among other soothing nonsense he partly hopes the other man can't even hear. He can't quite make himself say that it will all be okay.

It won't. Nothing will ever be “okay” again, not even if they defeat the Reapers – when, when they defeat the Reapers – because they have seen too much death and destruction and hopelessness. 

The shaking subsides, and Shepard relaxes against him, head on his shoulder, and his hands let go of the shirt in favour of wrapping around him. 

“Thanks,” he mutters with a hoarse voice. “And sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Kaidan says instantly.

“I did threaten to...”

“It seems... I'm not wholly opposed to the idea?”

That makes Shepard sit up enough to be able to look at his face. “Really?”

Now it's Kaidan's turn to feel uncomfortable but he forces himself to meet Shepard's eyes. 

“Yeah.”

That earns him a small smile. “Well. Maybe we could... try it when I'm not quite so unhinged.”

“You're not unhinged, just...”

“Kaidan, I was about to attack you. I didn't know if I...”

“You never would. Shepard, you – never – would. But maybe... one day... we could pretend that you might.”

“One day. Now... I should probably go apologise to Joker.”

“He understands. I think you could do with some time off. A proper night's sleep.”

“Will you stay?”

“Always.”

\- - -


	25. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of those things you write in the middle of the night when bored with NaNo... wasn't really sure if this was an official bit of the story, but it kinda stuck;)
> 
> Offered here as an extra Holiday present, in addition to today's chapter.

“So, Commander, I was thinking... we've gotten so many questions from people about your person that I haven't been able to fit into our interviews about the war effort. Would you be amenable of doing a little lighter character piece for us? It would do good to people to remember that behind the galactic hero is a person. Maybe not a regular person, but a human nonetheless.”

“The usual disclaimers apply?”

“Totally, you'd get to see the whole segment before we air it,” Diana Allers promised, and Shepard found himself accepting.

He should have demanded to see the questions beforehand.

\- - -

“What are you doing here?” Shepard asked, coming to a stop at the lounge door.

“We're here for the show,” Garrus drawled from the sofa.

“What show?”

“Allers told me you're screening her little segment before she is allowed to air it, and she just happened to mention that she was going to show it to you here... now,” Liara explained, smiling a way-too-innocent smile. 

“And you just happened to tell... what, everyone?”

“I may have mentioned it to one or two people, yes.”

“And those one or two people would then mention it to another two...?”

“Something like that.”

The room was packed full. Liara, Garrus, Tali, James, Steve, Chakwas, Adams, Donnelly, Daniels, Joker, EDI, Samantha... and while he was wordlessly taking it all in, Kaidan walked in behind him.

“Did I miss anything?” he asked, smirking.

“No. You're just in time to witness my tantrum. The fuck you people think you're doing?”

“Think of it as a morale booster for the crew,” Doctor Chakwas suggested with a smirk of her own. 

“I hate you all. I'm going to go downstairs and sit with... Javik?”

“I was told there was an opportunity for me to learn more about this Cycle, and in a positive manner,” the ancient alien said, halting at the door. “Was I misled?” 

“No, come on in,” said Liara, making room on the sofa. 

“I need a drink,” Shepard said, rubbing his neck tiredly. 

\- - -

Shepard is dressed more casually for this than his “official” interviews, in the black and orange get up he favours while off duty. Allers is visible as a face in the foreground of the image.

“We are standing here with Commander Takeo Shepard, the human tasked with the seemingly impossible task of uniting the galaxy against its greatest threat. But who is the man behind the reputation? Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Commander Shepard.”

“My pleasure... I think.”

“The first question comes from a viewer in Beijing. What was your dream job as a child?”

“A Jedi.”

“Okay, would you like to elaborate?”

“Who wouldn't? I mean, the Force, lightsabres... no? You need to watch those vids!”

“And is it true you once head-butted a Krogan?”

“Once? I mean, yes.”

“And let's just assume you don't eat Batarians for breakfast.”

“Let's.”

“A viewer who claims to have been your neighbour when you were a child tells us you can quote the first three Blasto movies by heart.”

“Sorry, but they are lying. On both counts.”

“Oh?”

“I did not have neighbours, not in the usual sense.”

“Would you tell us a little about your childhood, Commander? All the records show is that you were orphaned at the age of five, and precious little after that until you joined the Alliance in 2172 CE.”

“I was a street kid. It was... not a very happy or easy time in my life.”

“Is that why you joined the Alliance?”

“Well, it was the closest I could get to becoming a Jedi, you know?”

“Moving on. A former squadmate bid us to ask about... 'Shepard's School of Cock-Sucking'?”

“Oh god, which one was it?”

“A Lieutenant Greene.”

“So she finally made Lieutenant, huh. Well... I was stuck on base with a bunch of other marines for a quiet day, and the women started talking about their preferences, you know, spitting or swallowing? Most seemed to favour the latter in the mistaken belief that it was the... less icky option, I believe was the term. So I just told them that if they disliked the taste they were better off swallowing, because then it would spend less time on their palate.”

“And the words 'pro-tip' made it into the conversation...?”

“Pro-tip: Learn to deep throat, and you bypass the tasting areas altogether.”

“Easy to say, but do you have any advice on how to go about it?”

“Easy. Practice.”

“Well, that was enlightening. Now, there have been a number of women who have come forward as the first women in your life...”

“As in?”

“The first person you slept with.”

“Ignore them. It wasn't a woman.”

“Ah, so I might have to give more credence to the male... applicants, then?”

“Not really, he is dead. But if he does call, do let me know.”

“I will. Would you like to tell us about him?”

“No.”

…

“Okay, next question. While you were stationed in the Normandy SR-1, you were joined in Eden Prime by a Gunnery Chief Williams. Why did you add her to your crew?”

“It wasn't my crew back then, it was Admiral – then Captain – Anderson's.”

“So it wasn't because you'd taken a liking on her?”

“I what?”

“There were persistent rumours in the media that you two were involved until she was killed during a mission.”

“There were what? Why? Because she was the only female marine on board?”

“So it wasn't true?”

“No. I don't make a habit of starting relationships with people in subordinate position.”

“I see you are not denying the possibility of involvement with fellow Alliance personnel if you don't outrank them?”

“Do I need to? I know the fraternisation regulations by heart, the same as the next marine. Next question.”

“Very well. Much has been made about your rumoured connection to the mysterious Shadow Broker. Would you care to elaborate?”

“No.”

…

“Very well. Are you his agent?”

“No.”

“Fine. Who is the mysterious 'Tricia' of your tattoo?”

“Where did you learn that?”

“Communal showers, some previous fellow marine sold it to a gossip site.”

“She is my sister.”

“Really? There are no records of...”

“Didn't say she was related by blood.”

“What happened to her?”

“If you can tell me that, this interview will be worth it.”

“Okay, Tricia, where ever you are, be in touch!”

“You do realise you're going to get responses like my so-called neighbour, don't you.”

“You'll just have to provide me with some further info in private, Commander.”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, next. A 'fan' wants to know if you are turned on by biotics?”

“What?” 

“Apparently you have shown a preference to partners who...”

“Next question.”

“There are rumours that you yourself possess some biotic abilities.”

“I was exposed to eezo dust before I was born but I never manifested any skills.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. Also didn't get the cancer, so I count it a win. Do you have more questions?”

“Only one. What will it take for you to ask me out?”

“Me not being in a committed relationship.”

“Wait, what?”

“Sorry, you said it was the last question.”

\- - -

“I... think we may need to edit that a little,” Liara said after everyone had stopped laughing.

“A little?” Shepard asked. “I am tempted to ask that woman to leave my ship.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU ending for ME3, because your choices sucked, and made half the progress meaningless.
> 
> Also, happy holidays!

Finally. 

They are putting “final” back to finally... they are taking the fight straight to the Illusive Man, getting rid of the organisation that has just started to openly remind him (and the rest of the galaxy) of why they distrusted and hated the psychotic bastards in the first place. (It seems that everyone but he and Jack conveniently forgot that while the organisation had something to offer them.)

He wants to take down Kai Leng, even if something as petty as revenge seems pretty small compared to the Reaper threat and retaking Earth.

This is it. When they launch their attack on the secret Cerberus base, they'll start their final attack against the Reapers as well. The final assault, the decisive battle. If they lose here, the galaxy is lost. No pressure or anything. 

He is almost nostalgic to the nights before Ilos, and before the suicide mission. They are the closest approximation he can come to the situation but they were nothing like this. Then he could only wish he had made right decisions, or done all he could to protect his ship and his crew. This time? He has to make sure he has done everything he can to make sure the entire damn galaxy is ready for war. Sure, Hackett is nominally in command of the unified forces, but he's the one who brokered the deals, he's the one who made deals with demons and got into bed with crime lords to provide all the aid he could to their final assault. 

Is there still something he could do? Could he ask for more from their allies? Could they divert more manpower and ships from somewhere? Are there other resources like the Leviathan to be found? Will that just come back to bite them in the ass afterwards, if having to reveal their presence in the galaxy reminded the ancient aliens of their habit of subjugating other species? Will there even be any left to enslave afterwards?

Will Liara's messages to the future cycles be enough to help them defeat the Reapers if they fail? Have they really done everything they can? 

He's calculating and recalculating figures that won't change no matter how much he stares at them and he can't stop. O god of battles... He talked to everyone, made sure they had no doubts and were ready for what was coming, and damn he wants Kaidan. 

As if on their own volition his feet take him to the door, even though his eyes stay glued on the progress report from the geth fleet. The door opens – and reveals a familiar figure in Alliance blues behind it.

“Can't sleep either?” Kaidan asks, as if rehearsed, and Shepard makes a token protest of needing to go through the same progress reports for the tenth time, as if the figures will change, as if he can even their odds by the strength of his will alone. 

Kaidan, of course, has none of it. 

“You've done everything you can, you know that, right?”

“I wish I could believe that.”

“Well, believe me. And this crew you put together – they've also done all they could.”

He takes the glass Kaidan offers and turns to look at him, illuminated by the aquarium lights. He is... just what Shepard needs. A distraction, but more than that. A sanity check? Maybe, but so much more than that, too.

He takes his drink to the sofa and Kaidan sits down next to him. 

“Once more unto the breach, huh,” Kaidan says, smiling, and he loves that man so fucking much. 

“Am I teaching you bad habits?”

“Reading Shakespeare? Or making speeches?”

“Tomorrow is Saint Crispin's day...”

“I kind of doubt it.”

“Well, it is for us.”

“There is that.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“About, well, these past few years. It's been, what, three years since we met. And since then... Saren, the geth, the Reapers... your... death... It's been... unforgettable, to say the least. It hasn't been all bad, either. Just... so much, for such a short time.”

“I know what you mean. My life... well, it hasn't been uneventful at any point but these past years... The scale has been so much bigger than anything before. It's easy to forget that... that it has also been time with you.”

“Not all of it.”

“You were always with me, Kaidan.”

“I love you, you know that, right?”

“I know. And it means so much to have you here, now. Even if it is distracting me from the eleventh recount of our fleet strength.”

“I'm pretty sure EDI could calculate it for you ten times a second if you want.”

“Smartass.”

“You like my ass.”

“I adore your ass.”

“When Diana Allers interviews you after our victory, and she asks you how you spent the evening before the final battle, are you going to tell her you used it to talk about my ass?”

“I'm not sure I'll ever let that woman interview me again.”

“But the last one did so much good for the morale of the ship.”

“Javik has never looked at me quite the same way, after. He also asked me to explain to him what a Jedi was.”

“Did you show him the vids?”

“You've seen them?”

“Who hasn't? Besides, I'm a biotic. That's kinda like using the Force, right?”

“My Jedi.”

“I think it might be more inspiring if you told the press we talked about Shakespeare, instead.”

“Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?”

“If you must.”

“Small time, but in that small most greatly lived...”

“Better, but glum. This will not be the end, Shepard. Not for the humans, not the galaxy, and not you.”

“We can but do our best to achieve that. Tomorrow. For now... Kaidan...”

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/kiss_zps0e674158.jpg.html)

He leans in for a kiss, feeling like it's their first, all of a sudden, all this heavy emotion and feeling of destiny hanging around them. He wants a life with this man, a regular life – or as regular as two Council Spectres can – and not just desperate loving during war time. He wants lazy mornings in bed, he wants to fight over the ordinary things couples fight about, not over the destruction of planets, and he wants to die old, and contented, after decades with him.

But if wishes were starships the Reapers would have been defeated Cycles ago, and the chances are this night is what they have left. Better make it count.

He deepens the kiss, Kaidan pulling him closer with hands around his waist, and he follows, straddling his thighs and pushing him back against the backrest. It's incredible to have this at all, after the years of longing, to be able to do this, to be familiar enough with the other man's body to know where to touch, when and how much, to be known in return. To have gotten used to the hands running over his back, pulling him even closer, the hard length of his arousal straining against the still material of his uniform, rubbing against his.

He pulls back from the kiss, and Kaidan tries to pull him back by his arms. “Where are you going?”

“Need you naked,” he says, using the room between them to reach for the buckles and buttons on his shirt. 

“Yeah, okay, I'm behind you on that plan.”

Soon their uniforms lie discarded on the floor and Shepard lies down on his bed, taking stock of the man standing naked in front of him. All man, every inch of him, and light years away from the young Lieutenant he first knew. There had been something almost like innocence in that man, vulnerability, that this older Kaidan lacks. He has seen too much, done too much, suffered too much for it. The hard years show in the new muscles, the scars that litter his beautiful body, the stubble he seems to always sport because the Major doesn't bother to shave twice a day to keep to regulation as the Lieutenant did, being cursed with a dark beard and fast growth rate.

[ ](http://s137.beta.photobucket.com/user/niki_chidon/media/bed_zps832f3f8c.jpg.html)

Then Kaidan climbs on top of him, and the last thoughts fade. There's only room for feeling, now, for the nearly overwhelming physical sensations of bodies gliding against each other, and the goal of making it last for as long as he can, because it could be the last time he ever gets to enjoy this, gets to keep this man close to his heart, and if that is so, then he will take the memory of this night and hold it close like a talisman to ward off all attacks on his nerve.

He has had this, and he will never be without it again, whether they get to keep each other or not.

\- - - -

The nightmare comes like an old acquaintance, the whispers of friends, forever lost, their sacrifice always a part of him, awake or asleep. The child is there but this time when he burns he burns with a man Shepard could have been, in another life, with other choices, and with a more traditional family. A Shepard that looks older but also more content and is he seeing a future he is never going to have?

\- - -

Kaidan wakes up when the warm presence next to him moves, and he opens his eyes to see Shepard sitting on the side of the bed, eyes glued to the stars. 

“What's up?”

“Are we going to make it, Kaidan?” he asks, quietly, letting his head fall so that he is staring down instead. 

“We've done everything we could – more than that... Shepard, you unified the galaxy. You have become the symbol of hope for everyone. If anyone can do it... it's you.”

“I didn't do it alone. I couldn't.” He looks up, and raises his hand to rest against Kaidan's cheek. “Thank you for giving me hope,” he says, smiling slightly.

He leans in for a light kiss, and then pulls back, face falling to the determined expression of the Commander again. Then he looks down, and... and freezes. 

Kaidan bites his lip, waiting for the other man's reaction to his message. It was a pain to try to find a black marker on a ship that is almost completely paper-free but in the end Chakwas remembered she has one for labelling samples. Close enough. But will Shepard think it an imposition? Presumptuous of him? A bad omen? After all, he never saw Tricia again...

He didn't need to worry; as soon as Shepard deciphers the words his mouth widens to a smile as bright as any Kaidan has seen on his face, and as he turns to face Kaidan his eyes are shining happy.

“I just... if either of us doesn't make it... I wanted you to have something...”

“Shh. You don't need to explain,” Shepard says, and leans for another soft kiss. “If I live through today... the first thing I'll do is find a tattoo artist.”

“I should have written something a little more poetic, then. And maybe with a more legible hand.”

“It's perfect. Come on, suit up.”

\- - -

Sticking it to Kai Leng does feel good. 

Now if only the Indoctrinated Man hadn't handed the Citadel over to the Reapers... Well, no one expected this to be easy.

Seeing Earth is a shock. Even after what it was like the day they left, even after seeing Palaven, Thessia, and countless other Reaper infested places... to see Earth looking like this... London, ravaged by yet another war... It silences them all.

Seeing Anderson restores Shepard's own faith. His old CO has survived all this time and has managed to organise the resistance movement. It has to mean something. Having someone else come up with the plans, just following orders... Maybe it's wrong to admit, but it does feel good for a change. The fate of the galaxy has been weighing on his shoulders for so long that to share the pressure with someone feels like a relief even when the stakes are the highest they have ever been.

Standing at the edge of a ravaged building, looking down on the Forward Operating Base Shepard knows this is, really, it. He can see James on the courtyard in front of him, soldiers coming and going, and he knows he will use the little breather they have to talk to every one of his crew, one more time, trying to put to words everything that they have shared, everything they mean to him, to say thank you and goodbye and everything in between. 

He can't think of anything to say, to anyone. 

James is easy. They are soldiers, they respect each other. A salute, a straightened back, and all that needs to be said is said. 

Kaidan is harder. He realises he isn't ready to say goodbye, isn't willing to take one from Kaidan. “I am going to be waiting,” he says, and he means that. They are going to live, dammit, and they are going to have that life together or what is anything worth? 

“I am going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again,” Kaidan vows, and it feels wrong to leave it there, but they are in the middle of the entire army, and it's one thing to be open about their relationship in the confines of their own ship, but here... 

Kaidan does what he hesitated to ask for, and pulls him close for a desperate kiss. It tastes like goodbye, but when Kaidan rests his hand on his armour, on top of his heart, on top of his last message on his skin... “Take care,” he says.

“You too.”

He forces himself to walk away without a backwards look.

He manages to get hold of Steve who survived his earlier crash, and even gets to exchange last greetings with a few of his old crew mates. They are all there, on Earth, a part of this final showdown, the last hurrah of their cycle or the victory for all the cycles? Who knows, but with everyone on his side... with all those who sacrificed their lives to get them to this moment... Shepard feels the warmth of conviction inside his chest again.

They defeated Saren and Sovereign. They took down the Collectors, and both those times it was just one ship, one crew. Now they have the whole damn galaxy riding with them, how can they lose?

Garrus is talking with the Turian troops, and Shepard takes a moment to just look at his old friend from the doorway. The young C-Sec officer he once knew has grown into his potential, and responsibility has done him good. He grew over his vigilante phase without crossing the line, and finally fulfilled the potential that always was there. He is proud to call the Turian a friend, proud to fight by his side, and knows their chances are better for having him there.

Having Victus there throws him, but he understands the wish to pay one's debts in the most visceral way: you were there for my planet, I am here for yours. For Shepard, not humanity or the Alliance. 

Garrus tries to get uppity, of course, giving him orders and all. “You still owe me a rematch,” he says in the end. 

“Well, if I don't make it, you can tell everyone you won,” Shepard tells him, grinning.

“If you don't make it, I'm going to be... what's the term? Mighty pissed.”

“If I don't make it,” he says seriously, “I want you to... take care of...”

“Yes?” Garrus asks solemnly.

“My Black Widow.”

\- - -

Javik is a surprise. Shepard expected him to be more bloodthirsty and roaring to go but maybe he should have expected the introspection. And then, of course, he places the expectations of all the Cycles that came before on his shoulders. Because that's just what he needs. 

Still, shaking hands with the old soldier is... it's a moment that's going to stay with him for as long as he lives. 

Wrex manages to lift his mood from the solemnity, of course, with his unfailing faith in Krogan superiority. He also shares the good news that Bakara is already expecting their first child, and it's such a message of hope that Shepard flashes him a smile that is far too genuine. 

“Well, I don't know if you have anything like it in your culture, but I would be proud to be a godfather to little Mordin.”

“Maybe we will call him that. If only to stand apart from all the little Shepards that are bound to crop up after this little tussle is over.”

“Poor children,” Shepard says, pats him on his hump, and moves forward.

Talking to Liara is more like a goodbye again, and her parting gift is pretty hard to beat. He has nothing to give her but his silent presence, but for her it seems to be enough. After sharing that there seems to be nothing to say anymore, and he moves on. 

Tali has grown, too, so much, and their discussion just finally hammers it home. From the innocent girl to a woman who is strong enough to reassure him at a time like this, from a product of her culture to someone who recognised the worth of a geth... She made him proud that day, but today he feels like any feeling of pride on his part would be a presumption. He isn't her father, or her teacher... 

But maybe he is her Captain. And when he calls her Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, he means it from the bottom of his heart.

EDI is a revelation in how far she has come in such a short time. She is not just a cyber warfare suit, not just an AI, as the Illusive Man kept insisting, she is a person. And if Legion had a soul... EDI has one, too. She is more than her programming. 

She is not just his ship, she is his friend, and, absurdly, he feels almost paternal towards her after being there to guide her in so many of her most important choices. But no one made those choices for her, and that is what makes her so... alive.

\- - - -

The plan is crazy, but when isn't it? Fighting their way through London on foot against an army of Reapers? Why not. They didn't come here for a tea party. Shepard looks at the expectant faces of his crew and friends, and knows, just knows, they're waiting for a speech. 

One patented Shepard inspirational coming up. If only he can think of something other that Henry V because if he starts talking about “happy few” and bands of brothers he fears he is going to get belted with rotten vegetables.

“We come from different places, even different times, but this conflict that has brought us together has not only made us comrades and crew mates but also friends. My family. _For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother_ , said a man far more eloquent than me but I share the sentiment. I want to thank you, all of you, for the time we've had together, for the sense of belonging you've given me. It's something I've never known, something I didn't even know I wanted. I know each and every one of you will make me proud today, no matter what happens. We all know what's at stake, but look around you – we're not going into this alone. The whole damn universe is fighting beside us today. Don't get cocky, don't get careless, but go there and give it your all, because afterwards, when they ask what you did... You're going to tell them you were where history was made, where we took back Earth, and where we took back the galaxy!”

\- - - -

Of course it comes down to this... A final strip of land, like a bloodied field in the middle of a French countryside, lives lost over a few yards, and them there among the desperate few to try to outrun Harbinger's main weapon, to get to the beam, to get to the Citadel, to open the way to the Crucible... all the war, condensed to one wild run. 

Shepard looks at Kaidan who meets his gaze, both set of eyes filled with meaning and purpose. And then they run.

Shepard can see men and machines burn to crisp on his both sides but be keeps running, not turning, not straying from the line he chose... until he hears a yell in a voice he knows as well as his own, and turns just in time to see a tank flying to where Kaidan and James were running, side by side, and he is running to the wrong direction now, because Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan...

He is down, injured, but alive, and Shepard drags him to lean against the tank that nearly killed him but saved him, too, protecting them from the deadly beam, and contacts Joker.

“I need an evac,” he says, not caring what the _Normandy_ is doing, because nothing can be as important as this. He will fight better knowing Kaidan is as safe as he can make him.

He helps Kaidan to the ship's ramp, then hands him over to James, who at least looks okay.

“Take him and go.”

“Yeah, not gonna happen,” the infuriating man says, stopping James, and Shepard thinks of all the things he could say, wants to say, but it's too late for most of it.

He can't not walk back to him, though, to rest both his hands against his cheeks and lean in for one final kiss. “Just remember... no matter what happens... I love you. Always.”

“I love you, too,” and those are the words he'll take with him, to hell if need be.

Kaidan rests his hand against his heart again, in lieu of repeating the words he wrote on his skin, and Shepard nods, and turns, and runs once more, not able to look at his life flying away from him, away from Harbinger, away from the battle on the ground.

Then he sees a sudden bright flash, and knows no more.

\- - -

Pain. His whole body is in pain, and he can't hear a thing over the pounding, pounding, pounding of... his own pulse in his ears? He struggles up, encounters a pistol on the ground, and holds on to it. His hands hurt but his grip holds, his legs are unstable but he can walk. His armour is blackened, burnt, but it protected him enough to keep him alive, and he can still see the beam, and there is no one else but him so he has to struggled onwards, has to make it, has to...

Husks. He raises the pistol – so slow, every shot seeming to take ages, but they go down, then a marauder, and then it's a straight line to the beam and again a bright flash brings unconsciousness.

He wakes up to his father's voice. No, it's Anderson. For a second he remains confused, then memory returns, and with it the sense of urgency. He struggles up. Anderson's voice... that must mean their comms still work. Did they make it? Are they on the Citadel? Both of them? It doesn't look like any part of the Citadel he has ever seen, hallways littered with human corpses, more reminiscent of the Collector ship. He makes his slow painful way towards the light, towards the... control panel, only to come to a halt when something outside of his body seems to take control of him.

The Illusive Man, still trying to make him see his point of view, so clearly in the final stages of indoctrination, and he half expects him to make like Saren and burn the frail flesh from around a metal skeleton off.

They talk in circles until he gets through to the other man that he is indoctrinated, he is betraying his precious humanity, has become the thing he claims to fight. Like Matriarch Benezia, like Saren, like Javik's men, like Kai Leng, like all the poor Asari turned into Banshees, all the Turians that were made Marauder, just as much a Reaper soldier as those whose body show it more openly.

In the final act of defiance, in the final show of strength the Illusive Man shows the same strength of character as Saren, and chooses to deprive the Reapers from their prize by turning his gun on himself, and ending their control in the most efficient manner.

Shepard sits down heavily against Anderson, and looks at their planet from the giant viewscreen. Hell, could be a window for all he knew. 

“Hell of a sight, huh.”

“Best seats in the house.”

“You did good, son,” Anderson says, and his head drops froward.

“Sir!” The bastard is not going to die on him now.

He searches for a pulse and to his relief finds it, weak, but there. If he doesn't get help soon he will be done for, but as soon as the damn Crucible does its thing... Shepard wouldn't say no to some medigel himself. The pain seems localised to his side at the moment, and when he pulls his hand off his side it comes back bloody. That's not good.

“Shepard! The Crucible is not firing.” Hackett. Of course it isn't over. 

He tries to get up but his legs can't support his weight anymore, so he crawls towards the console. Spirits only know what he thinks he'll do with it, but there has to be something he can do at this end... To come this far and to fail because he couldn't read the information on the levers and buttons?

He collapses in front of the console, and loses the fight against the darkness with blood red corners.

\- - -

“I am the Catalyst.”

“I though Citadel was the Catalyst.”

The luminous being that looks disturbingly like the child in his nightmares talks about genocide in its emotionless voice, and Shepard wants to yell. So he does.

“Have you heard of a self fulfilling prophesy? You are what you say you try to avoid!”

“You turned against your creators, creating the problem you claim to fix! You are not a solution, you perpetuate the same damn chaos – this is not order, this is not a solution, this is you, getting so fucking stuck up in your ways you don't even see the cycle has already been broken! Look at the geth and the Quarians! If after centuries of war the creator and the created can make peace and co-exist, isn't that your solution? If an organic and a synthetic can fall in love, isn't that the next part of the evolution right there? And you would make all that progress – meaningless, by forcing me to choose from your limited array of choices, all of them playing to your delusion!”

He can't tell, afterwards, what he said, how long they debated in that place that either did or did not exist on the physical Citadel, if any of it actually happened, or if he simply lay unconscious on the floor while the Crucible activated itself and got rid of the Reapers.

But he could swear he could see the confused frown on the ghostly face, then the dawning understanding, and... and a self-destruct order. 

Maybe he dreamt it. But when he comes to the fight is over, and the Reapers are dead. 

\- - -

“What do you want, Commander? Anything,” the doctors say after patching him up in the remains of the hospital, flooded with other patients.

“Major Alenko. My crew. And a tattoo artist.”

Which is why the first images that surface of the saviour of the galaxy are of him lying in a hospital bed, smoke raising from some ruins behind the surprisingly intact hospital window on the background, his burns dressed and his broken bones bandaged, holding the hand of his fellow Spectre, while being tattooed by a serious-looking Batarian.

\- - -

“He's the guy who made my N7 tattoo!” James declared proudly, and Kaidan just shook his head to Shepard's grin.

“I know you said first thing,” he said. “But don't you think you should, I don't know, heal a little first?”

“Someone might wash it off by accident.”

“I'm still here. I can write it again.”

“Wouldn't be the same thing.”

“I know. I know, Shepard. But... we're both still here. Can you blame me for wanting you to avoid anything that might slow down your recovery?”

“Does that mean you're not getting a matching?”

“What are you... Shepard, did you write something... Where did you... Oh no.”

Kaidan refused to get “the way Shepard spent the final evening before the final battle” tattooed on his ass.

\- - -

The next photo that is published is a close up of the finished tattoo. 

_Take care,  
Love,   
Kaidan._  
\- - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's silly. I just figured that if Captain James T. Kirk can talk computers into destroying themselves (he did it twice during TOS) then the Avatar of Charm could do the same.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be two separate parts, too, but I'm trying to get this finished this year.

It doesn't end when the Reapers die, of course. Now they have to rebuild the universe, search for the lost, and mourn for the dead.

But Shepard is not one of them, and Anderson seems to be doing his damnedest to pull through, too. Kahlee Sanders has taken residence by his bedside, and seems hell-bent on making sure of that.

Kaidan is torn between wanting to be on Earth, to help, to find his mother, and staying on the Citadel, with recuperating Shepard, who is not quite well enough to be released yet. 

Shepard asks him to go, of course, but the tight hold he keeps on his hand speaks its own story. Neither one really expected to see the other one alive again after the Battle of London, as it is now called, and to still have this is... yeah, it's everything. 

So Kaidan stays, even if not at the hospital, then at least on the Citadel, helping the remaining Council members keep order and direct the aid efforts. His nights are spent by Shepard, though, even if he refuses to take up a much-needed bed at the hospital and sleeps on the floor whenever Shepard fails to talk him into sharing the much too narrow bed with him.

\- - -

The Citadel recovers fast, like after the Saren and Sovereign, like after the Cerberus coup attempt, like it has survived through millennia. Shepard never finds out what happened to all those human corpses lining up the corridors, and he is glad of that. 

He spends his days watching the transformation, the healing, through the window in his hospital room. He's dying to get back out there, to help, to work alongside Kaidan and his old crew... 

He lost the _Normandy_. At a time like this the ship needs to be in service, and can't wait around for a broken soldier. (“Not broken, just... slightly bruised.”) (“My ribs say otherwise, Kaidan.”) It's how it goes, of course, but the ship has been his for so long he finds it weird to think of it under someone else's command. 

He wonders what happened to his fish, his model ships, his hamster. He's afraid to ask, and Kaidan doesn't volunteer the information. He lost his Black Widow in that final mad dash to the Citadel, but feels he can't really enquire after a gun when so many people are still missing. 

His crew, old and new, have all touched base. Garrus, heading to Palaven to find his family and aid in the rebuilding, Tali going with him. “Rannoch has waited for three hundred years,” she says. “It can wait for me a little longer. Raan has promised to save me a plot.”

Shepard is happy for them, but he will miss them. Kaidan holds on to his hand in silent support and understanding.

Wrex must head home, too, to Bakara, but he promises his first-born will not have another sponsor than Shepard, and he is awaited for the ceremony as soon as he can travel. Grunt is eager to do some siring of his own.

Miranda stops by before disappearing, Zaeed sends a message, among many others. Jack didn't lose one of her kids, and waxes lyrical (well, for her) over their exploits in the war. Joker and EDI get to stay with the _Normandy_. 

James is on Earth with Steve, apparently together, working to keep the planet in order. Steve sends long updates, peppered with comments from James, and Shepard can almost see them bickering their way around all the rescue and building efforts of London. The image makes him smile.

Samara also stops by on her way to Lesuss. She has justified staying with her one remaining daughter to herself, and Shepard is happy for her. Family is something he's only recently acquired, and to see someone letting go of hers voluntarily... Well, he's happy she still has Falere. And the _Normandy_ crew, of course, Shepard's family.

For a time, Liara runs her organisation from the Citadel. A surprisingly large part of it survived, and she is directing their efforts to support rebuilding everywhere. In the end, though, she feels compelled to return to Thessia, to help her home planet in person.

She has a parting gift for them, though. Well, for Kaidan, but anything that concerns him...

She arrives in Shepard's hospital room, beaming. Kaidan has just returned from his long day of work, and Shepard is exhausted from physiotherapy, but her expression makes both of their tiredness fade.

“I have news for you,” she says, barely suppressing her happiness. “I have spoken to Mrs Alenko.”

“Mom?” Kaidan says, standing up. “She's alive?”

“Yes, and in perfect health. There are still no news on your father, I'm afraid, but Thea is busy in helping to run a local orphanage, and heading the efforts to reunite families. I have arranged for you to be able to talk to her tomorrow.”

Kaidan scoops her up in a hug that makes her laugh, then hold him back, tightly. 

Shepard smiles, blinking back tears, and mouths his thank yous to Liara over Kaidan's shoulder.

\- - -

There are parts of the Citadel that look almost normal by the time Shepard is finally let out, his burns and fractures healed, new scars added to his collection, but with news that he can return to active duty once again. Hackett tells him, privately, that he doesn't need to. He, if anyone, has done enough.

“What else would I do, sir?” Shepard asks. “Just point me to where I can help.”

Hackett promises to get back to him on that after he has sat through the rest of his sick leave. Shepard had actually hoped he hadn't heard from the doctors.

“Yes, sir.”

“Two weeks, I believe they said?”

“I'm sure I could...”

“I'm sure, too, if you had to. You don't. I'm not going to let them turn you into a PR tool to rally the people. You deserve to be in the field.”

Shepard's “Thank you, sir,” is very heart-felt.

“Do you have any requests?”

“Just that I get to keep working with Major Alenko, sir.”

Hackett has had to have seen the photos – everyone has seen the photos. 

“Yes, I had gathered that,” Hackett says dryly. “I'll find you something. That's one thing at least we're not lacking. Work.”

Shepard also pays a visit to Anderson before he is let out. The older man is finally awake, lucid and expected to make full recovery. Kahlee Sanders is back at work but visiting daily. Shepard thinks his old CO has his second chance after all. 

“Look at you, all dressed up and walking,” Anderson says, smiling. 

“Kaidan's going to bust me out today,” Shepard says, grinning. 

“It's a good thing you're a galactic saviour,” Anderson says. “Or Hackett would be forced to notice.”

“What? Spectres have no fraternisation rules.”

“Uh-huh. Do you know what you are going to do yet?”

“No, Kaidan's been working here, but when I am cleared for travel in two weeks... I don't know. I don't even know if it will be for the Alliance or the Council. But as long as I can go back to doing something useful...”

“I know the feeling.”

Anderson sounds wistful, and Shepard supposes he's been told he is not returning to field any time soon, if at all. 

“It'll be your turn soon enough,” he says, smiling to Kahlee who appears just at the right moment to distract them from the issue.

“I met your young man coming in,” she says, grinning. “I hear you are getting out today.”

“Yes, ma'am.” If Kaidan is here, it means he can leave. 

“Well, good luck,” Anderson says, smiling at his obvious hurry to get out.

“Take care, sir.”

“What did I say about that?”

“Don't grow mould, Anderson.”

“Get out.”

\- - -

“I never even asked where we are going?” Shepard asks, standing in front of the hospital with Kaidan, looking around at the almost-but-not-quite-back-to-normal view.

“Spectres are provided accommodation,” Kaidan says. “But the Requisition officer couldn't get us an apartment until next week, so we're going to a hotel for now.”

“An apartment on the Citadel, huh,” Shepard says, turning to smile at him.

“So it would seem,” Kaidan replies, smiling back.

The war is over. They won. It's time to think about that once elusive after.

\- - -

As much as it pains him to admit it, Shepard is exhausted by the time they reach their hotel room. He sinks gratefully on the double bed.

The room is smaller than his quarters in the _Normandy_ , enough for the bed, a desk, and a large window overlooking the Presidium. People are going about their business even as construction crews still work on the buildings.

“Is there an estimate of the dead?”

“Surprisingly little, but still... a few percentages of the people on the Citadel amount to a depressing figure, especially with all the refugees,” Kaidan says, moving around the room. 

“And the Earth?” No one wanted to talk grim realities with him in the hospital, and in the first days of victory rush, probably not among themselves, either. 

“Do you really want to know?” His voice says that he didn't.

“No. I don't suppose I do.”

The room is silent for a moment, Kaidan standing by the window, Shepard lying down. 

“What are you thinking about?” Kaidan asks, an echo of their last night on board the _Normandy_ together.

“London. Our goodbyes.” Both of them, at the FOB as well as on the loading ramp of the _Normandy_. “Of all the things I wanted to say and didn't have time for. Or didn't think it was the time for.”

Kaidan walks to the bed and sits down on the edge, knee up so that he is turned to face him. 

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to ask you to marry me, when it was over.”

“I'd have said yes,” Kaidan says, simply.

“I didn't think it was fair. You were sending me off to a certain death, of course you would have said yes.” He moves towards the side, making room for Kaidan to lie down beside him. He does so, still in his boots.

They lie on their sides, not touching, looking each other in the eyes. Shepard marvels that he still has this, that they still have this – they are alive, the war is over, and they are in a bed together. 

“How do you feel about rings?”


	28. Chapter 28

“Wait a second,” Shepard says, and Kaidan turns to look at him from the door.

“What is it?” 

“I want to do this right,” Shepard says, grinning, and reaches out to pick him up, princess-style. Bridal style. He isn't... He is.

“Why am I the bride in this scenario,” Kaidan asks, laughing, while his insane husband is trying to palm the lock open with his arms full. 

When he gets the door open, Kaidan reaches out with his biotics, and raises them both a few inches off the floor, effectively levitating them through the door and into their new apartment.

“Did you guys seriously just carry each other over the threshold?” Kasumi asks, and blinks into sight by the window in the living room. 

“I'm obviously not going to ask how you got in,” Shepard says, letting Kaidan down on his feet. “But do I want to know _why_ you are here?”

“Someone needed to check out the security of your new home,” the thief says, grinning. 

“Uh-huh. Not great, I see.”

“Oh no, it's pretty good. Should keep out anyone who isn't me. I'm also here to inform you that you must have the house-warming party soon, or I won't be able to attend.”

“We're having a house-warming party?” Shepard asks, frowning.

“Are you kidding? Of course you are. That's what you get for eloping.”

“Does everyone know?” Kaidan asks, quietly. “We were going to have a party, just...”

“We just wanted to get married, not have a wedding.”

“Well, newsflash – the weddings are not for the couple, they're for the families. So... unless you want the Alliance PR machine to arrange something, you'd better do something, fast.”

“We won't be able to fit everyone we need to invite here, do we?” Kaidan says, looking around the apartment, their new home, and... wow. Their new home.

“Kasumi, I love you, but can you please go away now? I've just brought my new husband to our new home – my first ever home, too – and I would very much like to have some private time with him now before I need to start concerning myself with anyone else, even my closest friends. Okay?”

“Sure thing, Shep, just remember what I said! Soon.”

After that she phases out, and out of courtesy, probably, lets them actually see her using the door to exit. 

“Well, that killed the mood,” Shepard says, and looks at Kaidan apologetically. 

“Let's just... look around, okay?” Kaidan says, reaching out to hold his hand.

The apartment looks exactly like the Spectre requisitions officer promised. The front door opens to a living room with the huge windows overlooking the Presidium.

“Look, you can see Apollo's from here!” Kaidan says.

“Did you ever think... sitting there, that we would end up... well, here?” Shepard asks, coming to stand by him, arm around his waist. 

“I was so nervous, waiting for you... I was probably half an hour early, and just kept going through everything I wanted to say, and then you were there and I couldn't remember a single thing. And when you said... no. Maybe I hoped, but to dare to believe that we'd actually make it this far?”

He turns, smiling. “I didn't even realise how much I loved you back then,” he says, and leans in for a kiss. 

The kiss turn to several before he pulls back, and nods towards the kitchen. “Come on, let's finish the grand tour.”

The kitchen is gleaming white and has a little dining nook that seats two. It looks inviting but empty. 

“Damn, I don't remember when I've last had to shop for groceries,” Kaidan says, laughing. 

“I'm not sure I've _ever_ shopped for groceries, so... uhh... don't count on me being much use in here.”

“We can't live on rations and take out,” Kaidan says, grinning. 

“I know, I just... I'm not saying I don't want to learn, I just... this really is all very new to me. We never had a permanent place when I was a kid. And after that it's always been Alliance housing, bases, ships. The _Normandy_. The brig. I've never had to worry about whether there is food, unless I'm worrying about there being food for the whole ship,” he sounds almost defensive, and Kaidan pulls him closer again. 

“It's okay, Shepard. It's not like I've been a happy householder or something. We'll learn. Or starve.”

“Do you think Apollo's delivers?”

The bedroom is almost as big as the living room. The bed takes almost all of it – it's huge. Much bigger than Shepard's bed in the Normandy, and it looks more comfortable, too. Shepard tests its softness with his hand, and Kaidan pulls him further away from it.

“Oh no, no getting distracted yet,” he admonishes, grinning.

There are two closets and a dresser, way more storage room that their meagre belongings warrant. Shepard opens the other closet just to find out it has been converted to hold weapons and heatsinks instead of clothes. 

“You can always trust the Spectres,” he says, grinning. “There's even a locking mechanism on the door.”

“Handy.” In case there are children in the house, for example, and damn, that is a weird idea. 

The bathroom connected to the bedroom is again huge for someone who's used to living on spaceships and Alliance accommodations. There is even a bath. 

“Fancy.” 

“I don't think I've had a bath in years,” Kaidan says. “And the tub looks big enough for both of us.”

“Are you kidding? The tub looks big enough for a Krogan orgy!” 

Kaidan can't help but try to visualise that and instantly wish he hadn't. By the smirk on Shepard's head he knows very well what he did. 

“I hate you, you know that?” Kaidan says casually, and pulls him back to the living room, and down on a sofa. 

There are two, one facing the windows, one facing the huge screens on the other wall. He can imagine sitting here, choosing between the simulated sunset or a vid in the evenings, entertaining friends and family...

“There's no guest room,” he says.

“Spectres are not expected to entertain?” Shepard offers, smiling. “And it gives us a perfect excuse to banish all possible guests into a hotel for the night.”

“Well, when you put it that way...” 

“Can we go back to test that bed now?”

“The romance is dead,” Kaidan declares.

“Oh excuse me, I'll just go get some rose petals and champagne, shall I?”

“How about you just come here instead.”

“I'm not spending my wedding night on a sofa when we have a perfectly good bed in the next room.”

“Holy shit, Shepard. It's real, isn't it? We're married. We have an apartment. We're... settling down.”

“And tomorrow we can get my pets in, and can settle into regular, staid family life.”

They last for maybe a second before they burst in laugher. “Yeah, maybe not.”

“I don't suppose we can even get that puppy while we're still both on active duty,” Shepard says, a little wistfully. 

“And can you even imagine leaving a varren here on its own even for a day?”

“Next you're going to tell me we can't adopt a war orphan either,” Shepard says, and it's obviously meant as a joke, but his voice sounds awfully serious by the end.

“Shepard...” 

“I know, I know, we've never even talked about it, but... do you think, one day...?”

“One day, when we're not... this, when we're not busy trying to protect the whole damn galaxy, maybe we can consider... protecting just our family.”

“So you're not violently opposed to the idea of kids?”

“Are you?”

“No, I... No. I've never even thought about it. I've never... had a family, or though about having one, and then I realised I had one, with humans and Turians and Krogan and Quarian and... and you. Now that I have you, I can't help but think, maybe families are not a bad thing. Maybe having a home is something that is actually within my reach, and... I don't even know. I don't have the experience, I don't have any reference or structure for this, I don't even have the words, but that nightmare of mine? With the kid I saw die? In the last one, the one I had before we stormed the Cerberus base? The me that was holding the kid... he looked older than me, content, and... before they burnt, I couldn't help but think that that was something I could have maybe had, if my life had been different, and then I realised... it is something I _can_ have, now, here. Well, not now, now, but some day. Am I making any sense?”

Kaidan doesn't have the words either, he just pulls the strong, amazing man to his lap, and proceeds to kiss him senseless. 

\- - -

“Do you think your mother would like to come to the house-warming party?” Shepard asks, much later, as they're lying in their huge bed, his head on Kaidan's shoulder, and his hand resting on his stomach.

“I can't see her among our crew... and then, I really can, you know? We'll ask. Thank you for thinking about that.”

“It's just... all this talk about families. You still have yours, and you did say she wants to travel off-world and...”

“Shepard, my family is right here, in this apartment. And my family is on board the _Normandy_. Not just in Vancouver.”

“Do you think they can all get here in time for a party?” Shepard asks.

“Do you really think Kasumi was alone in her message?”

“You mean they're all planning on being here whether we invite them or not?”

“That would be my guess. We might want to hold on setting that fish tank until after Wrex and Grunt and co have visited.”

“Do you think they might bring Urz for a visit?”

It's almost ridiculously perfect. He's healthy again, able to return back to the field, and Hackett is even giving him the _Normandy_ back, with many of the old crew: Joker and EDI, naturally, Donnelly and Daniels, Adams and Doctor Chakwas. Kaidan and James and Steve, whom they are going to go pick up from London as soon as Shepard's sick leave is officially over. 

And apparently his fish and the hamster had been safe on board and looked after by the crew all this time, the temporary commander choosing not to bunk in what remained “Shepard's cabin” to everyone on board.

Of course, the fact that they are sent out again means that there are problems that need their attention – it's a joint project with the Council and the Alliance, so it must be big – which can only be bad, really, but... it still means they are going back to what they are good at. Being soldiers and Spectres and keeping the galaxy safe. 

Now they just have a home to return to in between missions.

And, apparently, a house-warming party to plan.


	29. Chapter 29

Rahna Aksoy is scared. She has a class full of children as her responsibility, and a school under attack by unknown forces. She does what she can, but all her emergency training pre-war was about fire drills and such, and during war they were closed down. Her only training even remotely applicable was... a long time ago. 

A very long time ago, in another life.

She herds her charges towards the exits, but when the way is cut off, turns them towards the teachers' rooms, vaguely thinking about terms like “defensible,” and “well-fortified.” There is bound to be food there, too, and maybe even weapons. After the war, there are bound to be weapons. And by God, if someone comes for her kids, she will shoot them. 

Sudden gunshots from behind them spur even the slowest of the kids to run, and they enter the rooms only to find them empty. Did everyone else get out? She doesn't want to think of the other option. 

The gunshots are closer by, and she motions the kids to hide behind the furniture before trying to locate the weapons locker. Before she can open the locking mechanism there is a sudden shout as a figure in blue battle armour rushes through the door, shooting behind him.

“Do you know of any other survivors in the building, ma'am?” the soldier asks from her.

“No, I...”

“Rahna?” 

That voice. She knows that voice. The man removes his helmet, rifle still in the other hand, and she sees a face from her past. Kaidan Alenko, who could have been _her_ Kaidan, once. He is older, of course, face lined and covered in stubble, but unmistakably him. She has been afraid of him for so long, but now her first instinctive reaction is relief. He can protect them. 

“Kaidan.”

He seems to be lost for words, then tears himself off to go peer out of the doorway.

“Shepard,” he says, touching his ear. “Civilians at my location. Looks defensible. … All right, but make it fast, I'm sealing the doors.”

“Okay,” he says, turning back to her. “We will hole down here until the backup arrives and we can get you out. Can you put up a barrier in case a stray shot threatens the students?” 

His question is almost casual, matter of fact, his gaze and attention in the corridor. 

“Barrier? Kaidan, I haven't used my biotics for over a decade!”

“You what?” He turns to look at her.

“After what we went through? I was just happy to control them so that I never needed to think about them again.”

“Well, they say it's like driving a bike,” he says. “Try to remember, because there are only two of us, and three points of entrance.”

Even while he speaks, he turns away again, and just in time because a few of the attackers have just shown up at the end of the corridor leading to their sanctuary. He raises a hand, and makes a gesture vaguely familiar to her from their drills of physical mnemonics, and, glowing blue, he makes the attackers rise high in the air before slamming back down on the ground. 

His range is amazing, and the power that takes to raise three adults...

“Did you start without me?” another male voice asks from the ceiling, and her head whips to the side to see another human male with a black and crimson armour drop down on the floor.

“You know me. Impatient. Rahna, this is Captain Shepard, Shepard... this is Rahna... Aksoy?”

“I kept my name.”

“Rahna. As in, your Rahna?”

“Not mine... whatever. Did you find any other civilians?”

“Not alive,” the man called Shepard – and, really, _that_ Shepard? The first human Spectre Shepard? – says quietly so that the children won't hear.

“What's Steve's ETA?” Kaidan asks, and seemingly effortlessly Lifts a bookcase to cover one of the doors with, joining it with a desk and some storage boxes. 

“Half an hour at least,” Shepard says, moving some crates with good old fashioned elbow grease. 

“So we stage an Elysium here? Two Spectres against the hordes?”

“Think we can't do it?”

“Let's try not to traumatise the kids, Shepard.”

“You never let me have any fun.”

“That's not what you said... no, wait, that is exactly what you said last night.”

Their banter has the “buddy cop – old married couple” feel, and... apparently it's true. The second human Spectre really is “her” Kaidan. Kaidan, who grew up, and made something out of the mess that was BAaT.

Shepard goes down on his knee behind the crates he moved, sniper rifle trained towards the door, heat sinks piled up next to him. Kaidan adds some more to the pile.

“You have enough?”

“I pick them up, you drop them down.”

“Works for me. Everything all right back there, ma'am?”

It takes her a while to realise he is addressing her. She directed the kids to sit down by the back wall, hidden by the sofas, and is distributing the rations she discovered in the tiny kitchen attached to the rooms. The principal is just going to have to live with losing his hidden snacks. 

“We're okay. Kaidan, do you need... a juice or something?”

“Thank you,” he says, coming closer to take the offered box and a cookie. “I have some protein bars, but trust me, the taste hasn't improved any.”

His words make the inimitable taste of stale cardboard and burnt raisins come to her mouth, even after all these years, and she smiles wryly. “I can believe that.”

The men are set, Shepard behind his barricade and Kaidan by the door, hidden from sight, obviously counting on his partner to keep him up to date on the situation. The side doors are blocked with all the available furniture Kaidan moved with his powers, seemingly without breaking a sweat. He is munching on the cookie very eagerly, though, and drinking his juice as fast as her kids. 

She sits down next to them, asking the oldest girl to tell the others a story, and concentrates on trying to recall her training, access those alien nodules in her body, and get some use out of them. She still has an implant, an L3 her father paid a lot for, the procedure deemed worth the risks to get rid of the side effects. 

She wonders if Kaidan still suffers from migraines, if he still has the L2 – although she's never seen anyone so powerful with an L3. Not that she saw much action until the war and... and that is not something she wants to think about. 

And at least she is only aiming to create a barrier, the mnemonics so different she shouldn't accidentally end up breaking her body – or her students'.

Then the attack starts, and it is almost enchanting to watch Kaidan and Shepard work. Her old friend Lifts them up, the other man drops them down with well-placed shots, and Rahna just wishes none of the kids are peeking because exploding heads, even at the distance they are? Not good for avoiding nightmares. 

It seems to go on for a long time, and the men's fears seem to have been for nothing because they never even let their opponents get close enough to shoot them, much less produce stray shots to threaten her children.

“They must get tired of throwing troops to be slaughtered at some point,” Kaidan is saying, and she hears Shepard agree, just a moment before the remaining troops decided to attack en masse, obviously hoping that numbers will keep them safe from the Spectres' strategy. 

She has never seen the move Kaidan performs, sending out a barrier and... blowing it up? The opponents go flying and Shepard and Kaidan pick them up with rifles. She's never seen technology like Kaidan is using, either, something almost reminiscent of the ray guns of the old vids. It's alien, and frighteningly efficient. 

There's so much death. Not that she minds, hell, these terrorists are threatening her kids – but still. The first violent death she ever witnessed was Vyrrnus, she had been sheltered from the deaths of her course mates, and she knew – even as she avoided him, she knew – that it had been hellish on Kaidan, too. 

And here he is, killing in masses, seemingly unaffected, and she is glad. 

It's different to see a grown up soldier protect civilians than to see a teenager kill a person – protecting her. 

She realises she never forgave him for it. 

And now she realises there was nothing to forgive.

\- - -

Kaidan's mind is buzzing. Rahna – _Rahna_ – is one of the civilians they detoured to rescue from a band of looting mercenaries, or terrorists, or freedom fighters, or whatever these criminals are calling themselves. Just another group willing to use the disorganisation of the rebuilding for their own benefit. Most aren't this brutal in their attack on civilians, though, and what the hell do they think to find in a school?

Even as most of him is concentrating on the fight, on Shepard's location and movements, on tracking the attackers, on his resources, a part of him is fifteen again, in awe of this gentle creature who wants to spend time with him. 

She is still beautiful, maybe even more so now that her face shows signs of life, of experiences, instead of the almost innocent face of the teenage girl they all fought so hard to protect from everything. 

He's happy to see her alive. That much he knows. He remembers the conversation with Shepard, what feels like years ago, after their second night together. It's different, of course, to meet her as a saviour instead of just walking down a street. He thinks she'd be happy to see Vyrnnus right now, as long as he was a body with a gun in between her and a certain death. 

He's also happy that seeing her doesn't feel like a stab in the gut. She's a part of his past, like Vyrnnus, like Brain Camp, like Ashley and Eden Prime, like his basic training, like the years without Shepard. His present reality is a sum of all those experiences, and what ever hardships he suffered brought him this. It brought him to Shepard, made him a Spectre, gave him a reason to make peace with his past, his actions, and his role in the grand scheme of things. 

Besides, his husband fighting by his side, how could he long for anything – anyone – else? 

After the sudden assault the fighting seems to come to a halt. There's no sign of anyone in the corridor as far as they can see.

“I'm going to go take a look,” Shepard says, predictably. 

Kaidan knows well enough not to argue with the stubborn bastard. He'd just pull rank – this is a Spectre mission and he always claims seniority through service years.

“Be careful,” he just says, and Shepard turns to shoot him a smile before jogging towards the unknown. 

Kaidan keeps his eyes on the far end of the entrance instead of him, though, ready to reach out with his biotics at the first sign of trouble. There's nothing. 

“Is it over?” Rahna asks.

“I don't know. Keep everyone in cover.”

“All clear so far,” says Shepard on his comm, and almost simultaneously they hear the buzz of an outside line. 

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” says Steve. “Miss me?”

“Like burning,” says Shepard dryly. “But you can tell James that we took care of everything down here, we just need an evac for twenty. Including Kaidan's old girlfriend.”

“You had to go there, Shepard, didn't you?” Kaidan asks, smiling.

If Shepard says it's over, then he can relax. 

“Your ride has arrived,” he tells Rahna. 

“What about the others?” she asks, getting up from the floor but motioning the children to stay hidden. Smart.

“No other survivors in the building,” he says quietly. “But from the lack of bodies we figure at least some managed to evacuate. We've deployed people to look for them.”

“Okay.”

She doesn't ask what “we” means.

“We'll give you a ride to the nearest safe location, which should be the space port. From there an evaluation can be made.”

“And you?”

“We will secure the colony,” Kaidan says simply. 

“Who is we?” she finally asks. 

“Shepard and I, our crew. We have been tasked to root out the rising problems of anyone trying to make use of the after-war confusion. Shepard and I are technically under the Council jurisdiction but our crew is Alliance, so...”

“A Spectre,” she says, smiling slightly. “Did you ever think that one day you'd be here?”

“Don't even ask. How about you? You're a teacher?”

“Yes. I went to the university as soon as I had recovered from the operation to remove the L2 implant... Are you L3?”

“Still an L2. Didn't want to risk losing power.”

“You still have migraines?”

“Yeah. You get used to them.”

“I met my husband at the university, too, and we came here together... The colony was just starting out, and they needed people. It was... simple. I like it.”

“Is your husband a teacher, too?”

“He was. He... was killed when the Reapers attacked.”

“I'm sorry for your loss,” he says, and he really is. “Children?”

“Just these,” Rahna says, waving smilingly at her students. “You?”

Kaidan laughs. “No room in a military family for children unless there's someone to stay home with them for a while. We're too busy working to even get a puppy.”

“But you're married?”

“Wow, I'm so used to everyone knowing everything about my personal life I just keep taking it for granted,” Kaidan says, smiling, and automatically glances around to see if Shepard is coming back. 

His smile widens when he sees him jogging back down the corridor. He waits for him to come to a halt next to them.

“Rahna, meet my husband, Takeo Shepard.”

\- - - 

Shepard is staring at the woman curiously. She isn't what he expected, and yet, she is. He didn't expect the strength of character showing in her eyes and on her face from Kaidan's description. Then again, she survived Brain Camp, and she was someone Kaidan could fall for, so she has to be exceptional. 

“Well, then I understand the lack of children,” she's saying, smiling. “You must be way too busy to even consider it.”

“We have... considered it,” Kaidan says, smiling and looking at Shepard who can't but help and smile back happily. 

“But you're right, we're a bit too busy right now. I don't think we'd manage to keep the fish alive without the VI feeding them.”

“And at least the fish don't complain if we don't see them for weeks.”

“But I think we have talked everyone we know into adopting soon,” Shepard says, sheepishly.

“You're dangerous, honey. How could anyone say no to a person who talked the Reapers into destroying themselves?”

“That's not quite what happened.”

“'Quite,' he says,” Kaidan says to Rahna, who's staring at their interaction like a circus act. “Not 'quite' like that.”

“Well, there are many war orphans in need of homes,” she says diplomatically.

“And it's not like Garrus and Tali could have biological children together,” Shepard says defensively. “Or Joker and EDI.”

“Don't remind me, please.”

“And I'm almost done convincing Donnelly and Daniels.”

“We don't need our own,” Kaidan says. “You'll fill the _Normandy_ with kids nonetheless. Or are you saying you'll let them leave?” 

“Plenty of room for a nursery in the _Normandy_!”

“One day, Shepard, one day you're going to come home with something else than a space hamster, and when the hell have I ever been able to say no to you?”

Kaidan is joking, but Shepard could come up with a few. Horizon, for example. London, when he refused to be left behind. 

“Maybe we can continue this conversation in private?” he suggests, smiling. 

“Uh huh. We'll talk later, all right.”

Shepard grins, deciding that it's better than blushing, to hear his husband refer to sex in front of his first love. “I always enjoy talking with you.”

“I know.” He wants to kiss the smirk off his face but restrains himself, seeing that they are on duty. 

\- - -

Rahna likes the new, confident Kaidan. He has grown into his looks, into his body, into his powers, and he is so obviously content with his lot in life that it's a joy to watch him, especially when bantering with his husband. Their love for each other is so evident in everything, the way they talk, the way they move, the way they always seem aware of the other even when just relaxing after a mission. 

“Well, no rest for the wicked,” Kaidan says, walking to where she is conversing with the colony leaders. “We'll leave a few marines to keep order but there should be no more problems for now.”

“Where are you heading?”

“These attacks are too coordinated for random looting. We're going to find who is behind them and what their agenda is.”

“And then we are going to deal with them with extreme prejudice,” a marine with N7 designation says from behind him. 

“Aww, poor baby, are you still mad that we didn't leave you anything to shoot, Vega?”

“Say goodbye to your girlfriend, Mrs Shepard, Steve's warming up the Kodiak.”

“Yes, Mrs Cortez,” Kaidan says, smiling, and pushes him away.

“Kaidan... Don't be a stranger?” Rahna says. Maybe it's just that after the war everyone is more willing to cling to anyone familiar who still lives, maybe it's the fact she liked him so much when younger, maybe it's the fact she likes him so much now... But she doesn't want other two decades to go without seeing him. “You know where I'll be.”

“I'll be in touch,” he promises, smiling, and she pulls him into a hug impulsively. 

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you after... Vyrnnus,” she whispers and for a second he hugs her tighter. 

“I'm sorry I scared you,” he says in reply.

“Nothing to apologise for,” she says, letting him go. “You were only doing what you all spent so much time doing – protecting me.” 

_Never stop_ , she thinks as she watches him walk away.

He is joined by his husband, and, shoulders touching, they walk out of the base.


	30. Chapter 30

It feels like home, being back on the _Normandy_ , Kaidan thinks idly while browsing through the report he has just finished writing. And with the Reapers gone he doesn't even feel guilty over the thought.

Their apartment is wonderful but... it's not a home yet, especially since they only had about a week to get used to it before returning to duty, an urgent mission taking precedence over a house-warming party. 

It feels almost like old times, with Joker and EDI on the bridge, James and Steve bickering in the shuttle bay, Adams, Donnelly and Daniels in the Engineering... He keeps expecting to run into Liara or Tali and Garrus, too.

They have new marines on board, survivors of the Battle of London, somewhat in awe of Shepard but they'll get used to it, to him, soon enough. There's too much to do for them not to. For a moment, Kaidan is reminded of Jenkins and his fanboyish interest in the Spectre Nihilus, years ago, on the first _Normandy_. He wonders what he would have thought about Shepard and Kaidan making Spectres. 

The thought makes him smile, Jenkins' death distant enough to not stop it. He hears the bathroom door opening, and turns to look, still smiling. Shepard is wet after a shower, distractedly drying himself with a towel as he walks out, and Kaidan's smile disappears. 

Damn but his husband looks good. They've been together long enough that seeing him naked doesn't automatically make him want to jump him anymore, but... sometimes... most times...

There's a drop of water hanging from the tip of his soft cock, and Kaidan can't tear his eyes off it. Shepard is seemingly deep in thought, eyes on the aquarium but he doesn't seem to even notice the colourful fish. He smiles at Kaidan when passing him, then turns to look for clean clothes, and Kaidan can't stop thinking about that drop of water. 

He's done with his report, it's ship's evening, and Shepard can always tell him no. He's on his knees in front of him before he has finished the thought, flicking his tongue out to catch the drop of water. 

It's not enough, he laps at the water on his skin, and can feel the cock filling with blood under his attention.

“What... Kaidan...” Shepard's words start as reproachful, maybe, but his name comes out as a sigh.

“You fault,” he says, in between licks. “Do you have to look so edible?”

He supports his words by mouthing the thickening organ, hands on Shepard's shapely ass. Shepard's hand falls to his head, fingers twining into his hair, mussing the careful styling and Kaidan couldn't care less. 

He may not be as experienced at this as Shepard – and he is not thinking about why he is so good at it – but he's had plenty of practice lately, and as long as he can draw those sounds – moans, sighs and gasps – from Shepard, he feels like a sex god. 

He can't deep throat, his gag reflex too sensitive for it, but Shepard doesn't seem to mind him practising on him, or the fact he might never get there. He moves one hand to hold the root, concentrating his efforts on the tip again, the taste all Shepard now, excess water gone. 

“Kaidan... I've been meaning to... ask you something,” Shepard says, in between gasps.

“Yeah?” Kaidan asks around his cock, and Shepard moans.

He pulls back with a final swirl around the head, along the slit, and looks up. Shepard's eyes are closed in pleasure. Then he opens them, and meets his eyes with a smouldering gaze. “Fuck me.”

And fuck, but he understands why those words had such a strong effect on Shepard, now, because he's achingly hard with just the words, just the thought (and, okay, sucking him had had him nearly there anyway). But he's also nervous. He wants – needs – to make this good for Shepard, and he feels like he isn't prepared for this but... to say no is unthinkable.

He swallows, and gets up to kiss him, deeply and desperately, trying to convey his enthusiastic approval of the plan. Still, he has to be sure. He pulls back and meets his eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Don't make me beg,” Shepard says, and the words are light but his expression...

“Okay,” he says. “Yes.”

Shepard has him out of his clothes in a moment, and they are kissing their way to the bed, the steps of this part of the dance as familiar as assembling a rifle. Shepard pulls away from the kiss for long enough to find the lube on the bedside table, and then climbs on the bed, lying down on his back.

“It'll be easier if you turn around,” Kaidan says, moving to lie next to him.

“I know, but... I need to see you.” He looks almost sheepish. “I know it's you, but... I need to see you.”

Damn, of course. He should have thought of that. He moves closer to kiss him again, not taking the offered lube yet. He can feel the slight tensing of the muscles on the other man, the only visible sign that he is nervous, and he wants to make him forget the goal for a moment.

He lets his hands run over his skin, searching for the sensitive spots, the lower back, the side of his abs, side of his neck, kissing down his neck, biting down at the junction of head and shoulder, and licking along the collarbones, until Shepard is panting again, all tension gone. Only then does he reach for the lube, mouth still on his neck.

He warms the clear gel on his hands before kissing his way down Shepard's torso, moving down on the bed to be able to reach his goal, and mouths the cock again when he teases his fingers over the entrance to the other man's body. Shepard tenses, but only for a second, and makes a visible effort to relax his muscles. 

Kaidan takes his cock in his mouth while running his finger up and down his crack, circling the hole but not even trying to push in yet, letting him get used to his presence. When Shepard is as relaxed as he can, he pushes a tip of his forefinger in, just a little, pulling back instantly, repeating the action a few times before pushing it further in. 

He's slow, and careful, and keeps adding lube to his fingers, not caring if he's overdoing it, just knowing he will not hurt Shepard, not in this, not if he has to spend a week doing just this, and nothing more. 

When he has two fingers in, and is scissoring them, twisting them in and out, trying to get him used to the invasion, Shepard starts pushing back against the fingers, and the hand in his hair flexes its fingers in time of his movements. Kaidan likes the pressure, it helps him concentrate. And, yes, he always enjoys Shepard's fingers against his scalp.

“Oh please, please, please,” he's saying on each breath but Kaidan knows two fingers are not enough.

“Soon, love,” he soothes, pulling back to talk around his cock, and adds more lube to add a third finger. Shepard yells out loud when he hits his prostate.

“Please!”

“Okay,” he says, getting a little desperate himself. “Okay.” He wants to have those flexing muscles around his cock, to feel that smooth warmth with more than just his fingers, and damn, he's not going to last long, anyway.

He pulls out, and even if he must know what it means Shepard moans in disappointment. Kaidan squirts more lube on his hand to coat his cock, and has to bite his lip when touching himself. It feels too good on his so-far neglected cock, and he needs to remind himself it's going to feel even better soon to have the strength of mind to stop. 

Shepard opens his eyes when he positions himself in between his legs, green fire meeting his gaze, and he stretches up to kiss him. “I love you,” he says, meeting his eyes eyes close up, and Shepard kisses him back.

He pulls back, raising Shepard's legs, one over his shoulder, one on his waist, and slowly, agonisingly slowly, he pushes in. His preparation pays off, and it's smooth and easy, and Shepard closes his eyes again, pain and pleasure chasing each other on his face. 

“More,” he says, when Kaidan makes to stop.

His hands are fisting the sheet, looking for purchase above his head, holding on to the bed frame, and pushing against him, taking him in as deep as he can get, and Kaidan is panting, too.

He waits for Shepard, determined to let him set the pace, and Shepard opens his eyes again, looking at him and growling: “Move.”

He does, oh, he does, pulling out, just a little, before pushing back in, adjusting his grip on Shepard's legs until he finds the right angle, and Shepard _screams_.

“Pleasepleasepleaseplease,” he's murmuring on each each breath, and he's meeting his every movement, push for a push, and Kaidan removes the hand holding his leg to touch his weeping cock, and Shepard throws his head back, moaning out loud.

He looks so incredibly beautiful that for a moment Kaidan can't think of anything besides that: throat exposed, his earlier bites starting to bruise, sweat making his skin glisten, his muscles flexing while he searches fur purchase, and his expression is pure bliss.

“Love you,” he gets out, increasing his pace. “Adore you.”

He won't last long, the delicious pressure around his cock almost pulling his orgasm out of him, but he bites his lip, closes his eyes against the exiting sight, and concentrates on one more thrust, one more, one more, hitting the spot, drawing those gasps and moans out of Shepard, his hand speeding up as well, jerking Shepard in counter point to his thrusts, and then Shepard is yelling again, coming over his hand in short bursts, and the contracting muscles around his cock push Kaidan over the edge as well. 

He thinks he might shout as well, trembling at the edge of ecstasy for half an eternity, before slipping out, letting Shepard's legs fall on the bed before falling down himself, boneless and spent. He gasps for breath, pulling Shepard close with arms that still tremble. Shepard glues himself to his side, head against his neck, his uneven breath cooling the sweat on his skin.

He's never felt closer to another person in his life, never felt as much love, and he never wants to let go.

They lie there for what feels like hours, breaths evening out, pulse calming down, and suddenly Shepard is laughing, sounding happy and young and just slightly unhinged.

“So was it good for you?” he asks against Kaidan's skin, and then Kaidan is laughing as well, happiness and joy finding an outlet at last, and he must sound unhinged as well.

He couldn't care less.


	31. Chapter 31

“Where did you put the dextro foods, Shepard?” 

“The cooler in the bedroom. I thought it best not to keep them in the kitchen with the... Let me take that, Mrs Alenko.”

“Thea, please, if you can't manage 'mom.'”

“I'm trying, ma'am.”

“Kaidan, your young man is impossible.”

“I know, mom. But he's pretty to look at, so I'm thinking of keeping him anyway.”

“I can't believe you boys sneaked off and got married without telling me!”

“We didn't want to cause a hassle, you know that.”

“Yeah, and now we're paying for it by having to have this huge do anyway. Mrs... Thea, please let me take care of the carrying.”

“I am not feeble.”

“No, ma'am.” 

\- - -

They had to postpone the party, no matter what they promised Kasumi, when Shepard's sick leave was cut short so that they could rejoin their crew for a rescue mission. That was followed by another, then another, and then they were in the middle of an investigation into a galaxy-wide plot by a power hungry criminal boss with delusions of grandeur trying to gain control in the unrest following the war.

Crime boss taken care of, order restored to many smaller planets, they finally manage to return to their new home, and start thinking about the ominous party to appease their friends and family over the lack of a wedding. 

Kaidan's mother was easy to convince to take a break from her work in the orphanage and take a brief holiday at the Citadel. She's loving it, and is an invaluable help with the preparations. She tells the men in no uncertain terms that they would have to serve food, too, and not just drinks. 

Shepard would just add “bring your own bottle” into the invitation and be done with it but Thea has none of it. Kaidan tells him to just go with it as he will lose the debate anyway. Shepard has learned to pick his battles by now, and agrees. 

They also decide to say screw it to diplomacy, and are only including people they count friends or family, which pretty much means every crew member who has ever served on the _Normandy_ , some people on the Citadel – Doctor Michel, Bailey, Thane's son – Kaidan's students, and random people they've met over the past years, whoever they can find after the war. 

Diana Allers is invited on the provision that she signs a non-disclosure agreement by the door. They aren't kidding, Liara helped them draft the document. 

\- - -

The day starts pleasantly enough, waking up in their own bed, together, and exchanging languorous kisses before getting up and slowly starting the day.

That's the last moment of peace they have for a while. When Shepard walks into the kitchen to make coffee he spots Kasumi sitting on their sofa, munching on their chocolates, and smiling innocently.

“Am I early?”

Shepard turns back to the bedroom to put some more clothes on and warn his husband to do the same. 

Kasumi proves she can do more than just eat their food – she helps them finish their preparations and gets along frighteningly well with Kaidan's mother (who they put up in a hotel). She also came loaded with food stuffs Shepard didn't know were available in the Reaper ravaged galaxy yet, and doesn't really want to ask how she came by them.

Liara and Feron arrive next, early as well, so that Liara can add her gifts on the table as well. Shepard begins to doubt they wouldn't have needed to worry about food after all, especially when Tali and Garrus arrive with enough food to feed fifty dextros. 

Wrex explains their food provisions by Bakara's pregnancy cravings. But only when she is out of earshot. 

Thane's son seems to have baked them a cake.

Shepard finally understands why Thea insisted on leaving one extra side table as every arriving guest brings more food. 

And that's on top of the presents that pile on the gift table Thea had also insisted on, and had borrowed a table for the purpose from their neighbours. Maybe they'll just let her take care of any possible future parties. And battle plans. Hell, if there's another war, Shepard is calling his mother-in-law. 

\- - -

Shepard stands by the window, back to the view, and looks around their living room in amazement. 

_Their_ living room. His home. His home with his husband, filled with all these people he has learnt to love and trust during as short a time as three years. 

Chakwas is talking with Anderson, who is walking with the aid of a wooden cane and Kahlee Sanders. Joker, with his arm casually around EDI, is having a conversation with Jacob and his wife. Kasumi is chatting with Miranda, and that should probably worry him more than it does. Thea Alenko is exchanging pregnancy stories with Urdnot Bakara, Tali is holding Garrus' hand, Bailey is sharing war stories with Grunt, Sam is laughing with Diana and Steve, whose eyes are following James, who turns around and smiles at him before going back to his discussion with Jack and Samara, and that is enough to boggle the mind. Kaidan is talking with Rahna, easy and laughing, and Jack's students are comparing battle scars with Kaidan's. Ken is stealing a kiss from Gabby, with Adams and Kelly laughing at their antics.

There are people that should be there, Mordin, Ashley, Legion, Tricia and Kaidan's dad among them, and their absence is keenly felt but still... it doesn't take away from the feeling Shepard feels growing in his chest. 

Contentment. 

He had been so sure he would spend his life alone, his career the only thing he has, and this... this feels like a dream he never dared to dream. Belonging. Love. Friendship. All those emotions and experiences that make even the inevitable loss of some of these people ultimately worth it. 

Kaidan notices his expression and extracts himself from his discussion to walk to him. Shepard curls an arm around his waist, and pulls him closer for a brief kiss. 

“What is it?” Kaidan asks, worried, and he smiles. 

“I'm happy,” he says, simply.

“Really?” The answering smile on his husband's face is beautiful, it's everything. 

“Yeah.”

“Well, in that case, Takeo Shepard-Alenko, we have guests to entertain.”

“Not guests,” he corrects. “Family.”

\- - -  
The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Drinking Games 5: I Never](http://archiveofourown.org/works/639363), the story of the after party, can be read as an epilogue to this story.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who came along for the ride! Every kudos and comment has been dearly appreciated:)


End file.
